Reminder to Rejoice

It's been a rough few weeks. And I've been very emotional. I keep blaming my thyroid but really it's more of a heart issue. I'm still sad. I'm having a hard time thinking of the future without our little boys. I'm having a hard time wondering if I will ever feel a life move inside of me again. I'm having a hard time wondering if I'll give birth to a healthy child ever again. It's painful. And we're in it thick. We have 20+ friends that are pregnant or have just had their babies. I'm totally not exaggerating - we've started a list with names. Most of these people are close friends, and the others are still friends, not acquaintances. So it's rough.

Facebook is especially difficult for me. Family and friends with their ever-expanding bellies, hospital pictures of moms and babes, updated family pictures with moms and dads and kids and newborns. It's rough. I keep reminding myself of Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." And I need to remember to do that. Even if it's just a "congratulations!" on their facebook page.

And sometimes it's more than that. It's planning baby showers for friends and family. Buying party favors, baking cake, making snacks, sewing gifts, searching registries, gathering guest lists and sending invites. It's writing a thoughtful heartfelt card and meaning the words that you say. It's bringing families meals when they are recovering from having their babies. To truly rejoice with women, it's work for me.

Just to be clear: 

1. I don't write this to get people's pity or to have them feel bad for me. 
2. And I don't want to hurt people who are excited about their little ones. You have every right to be excited and you don't need my permission. 

I write this because it's my reality. That I need to remind myself to rejoice with expectant moms, whether it's their first or tenth baby. I need to remember to rejoice for the little lives who are born healthy. I need that reminder that as I wait for what God has in store for me, I am called to serve and worship. I am called to rejoice.

It's been a blessing to be on the worship team again. I'm on the team for April 10th and we are singing John Waller's song While I'm Waiting. It was made popular by the movie Fireproof. But I'm focusing on the words as a mom whose lost two precious children, as a mom who is unsure if God will ever bless her family with another baby, as a woman healing from a broken heart. There are some words from this song that hit me hard:

"And I am hopeful, waiting on you Lord." Oh, it's hard to say that aloud. It's hard to cry that out to God. I want to be hopeful but it's so hard to let that guard down and trust Him. I pray that I will be a hopeful person.

"I will move ahead bold and confident." Again, it's heart-wrenching to sing those words. I ask myself, am I confident? Am I acting out of bold faith?

"Though it's painful...though it's not easy, but faithfully and patiently, I will wait." And I pray that I can remain faithful and patient through the pain; that I will someday be an oak of righteousness (Isaiah 61:3); that through perseverance I will be changed and that God will see me as mature, lacking nothing (James 1:2-4).

And I need to remember that I am called to serve and worship as I rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15).