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Saturday, February 5, 2011

No Spend February...Is Now No Spend March

I was planning on this month being a "no-spend" month but I received an opportunity that I couldn't refuse: to join my dad for a mission trip to Mississippi for a week.

We will be taking a semi-truck full of used items (clothes, furniture, etc) to deliver to a thrift store. Then we'll be spending some time doing some mission work while we're down there. I'm really looking forward to having a week away.

My boys are staying with my mom while my dad and I travel. And my husband is being left at home. Being a youth pastor, he has all kinds of opportunities for mission trips and conferences and I usually stay home with the littles. Now, it's my chance to leave him home alone. I think he'll enjoy the quiet evenings and I'm hoping he'll have time to work on his ministry license paper...or paint the hallway. ;)

The boys and I will be gone for a total of two weeks so I'm making lots of lists of what to pack. The boys will need all of their things: clothes, jammies, church clothes, toiletries, medicine, etc. And then I have to pack myself. I don't want to over pack because I know that there's limited space in the truck. So, I'm packing my regular bag with clothes, toiletries, etc. And then I'm packing another bag for the truck with medicine, some basic toiletries, snacks, drinks, books, journals, my Bible, and some Soduku puzzle books. I want to be prepared but not over packed. It's a fine line.

And then I want to have food ready for my husband at home. He's not picky and can make due with cereal, frozen pizza, etc, but I want him to have some healthy foods/meals as well. So, I plan on getting some things ready for him as well. 

Which brings me to the subject of No-Spend February - the reason the No-Spend month changed is because I didn't feel right about our no-spend goal when I would be going out to eat on the road and when we're working at the sites. So, we're postponing for a month and I think that's ok. :) I'll clean out the pantry next month.


I plan on blogging our "adventures" daily (hopefully) as my mom is letting me borrow her laptop (thanks, Mom!). I plan on spending some time in the Word, journaling in my book, Grieving the Child I Never Knew, resting, reading, and blogging. I am excited to spend some time in Jackson, MS where I've been for ministry several times from high school through college. I just ask you to pray for safety on the roads, that I will come home refreshed, that I will be blessed by blessing others, and that I the time I spend with my dad will be for God's glory.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Real Life

I've been hurting over our loss again the past two weeks. I've been very emotional and very tired. I've been drained and on the verge of tears for days. I am joyful, but I'm sad. 

A friend recently wrote to me regarding the loss of unborn children:

"They get Real Life right away - euphoria"

To be honest, that was hard to read at first. But it's true. They are born into heaven never to experience the hurts, pains, and disappointments of this world. But I'm selfish. I want my baby. I want to snuggle. I want to kiss those little cheeks. I want to count those tiny toes. I want to hold my baby in my arms. I want to hear that delightful cry in the middle of the night.

But it's not about what I want. It's about what God has planned. And it's hard sometimes. It's hard to put my selfishness aside and think about God's plan. And God's grace. That my little one is in heaven with the Father. No pain, no hurt, no disappointment.

After I read my friend's email I remembered this hymn and thought I'd share it with you. The second verse really spoke to my heart.

by: Frances J. Crosby

Safe in the arms of Jesus, 
Safe on His gentle breast;
There by His love o'ershaded,
Sweetly my soul shal rest.
Hark! 'tis the voice of angels
Borne in a song to me,
Over the fields of glory,
Over the jasper sea.

Refrain:
Safe in the arms of Jesus,
Safe on His gentle breast'
There by His love o'ershaded,
Sweetly my soul should rest.

Safe in the arms of Jesus,
Safe from corroding care,
Safe from the world's temptations'
Sin cannot harm me there.
Free from the blight of sorrow,
Free from my doubts and fears:
Only a few more trials,
Only a few more tears!
(refrain)

Jesus, my heart's dear Refuge,
Jesus has died for me;
Firm on the Rock of Ages
Ever my trust shall be.
Here let me wait with patience,
Wait till the night is o'er;
Wait till I see the morning
Break on the golden shore.
(refrain)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Bedrest

When I was pregnant with my firstborn, I was on bedrest for three weeks before he was born at 34 weeks. And I have to say that, although there was a lot of anxiousness involved, there wasn't a lot of boredom.

We don't have cable TV at home so that was a great help. Since my husband is in student ministry we know lots of students and I looked forward to 3pm when they would stop by to visit. That was probably my favorite part of the day. :) And then there were the naps...the glorious naps. People gave me wonderful things to do also: movies, color, make a pair of moccasins (thanks Jereth), color. Coloring became very therapeutic for me. It was such a calming activity. It probably really helped my blood pressure. :)

And that was another thing too. I had to be on my side at all times. So it was hard to play video games or do anything that would increase my heart rate. But I made it through...with my sanity. :) And I got to take home a healthy baby boy and that was the main thing.

Kristen, at We Are THAT Family, posted on her weekly Works for Me Wednesday about what to give someone on bedrest so they won't be bored to death. I thought it was a great list and hopefully will help you if you know someone on bedrest or someone who is housebound from an injury.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Good Reading

And this time it's not a book. It's another blog. A really good blog by Raechel Meyers, Finding My Feet.

My friend, Rachel, sent me a link to Raechel's blog for a really cute t-shirt idea for my boys and I found a lot more. I found someone who has endured multiple miscarriages and the loss of a daughter who passed away hours after her birth. And to be honest, I haven't stopped crying since I started reading. :)

It feels good to weep. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I feel like I've been holding a lot of it in. It feels good to let go of that pain. It feels good to release the tension that has been inside of me for weeks. And it's sad. I am sad. I'm sad to still be hurting. There are so many things that Raechel said in her blog that I have felt or said or thought. It has been so good to me to know that I'm not alone in my loss. Losing unborn children or children shortly after birth is a very lonely kind of sorrow.

Raechel's blog is another point of healing in my story. God is so good to let us use our stories of pain to help others through their times of pain. Praise be to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort that we ourselves have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

So I weep and am thankful for others who have gone through terrible grief over the loss of their children who have come alongside me to comfort me in my grief. They may not even know that they have ministered to me through their blogs, through their books, through their words but they have. They have taken the time to write down their experiences and how God has remained faithful through some really dirty, hard, painful, raw circumstances and have come out the other side still singing. Thank you.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Like!

Quagmus.com is a blog by a friend of a friend's husband. :) Nicolas Kline illustrated the book, The Voice of College: The Freshman Experience, written by Kipp Van Dyke and Dr. Michael Severin. I'm not sure if the book is any good (although I have heard some great reviews, and not just from the authors' wives) but Kline's blog is fun as he adds some poignant cartoons to Words from Scripture.


I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Book Review: To the End of the Land



First of all, I am horrible at writing book reviews. I babble on too much, and I give bad story summaries because I don't want to give anything away. Just thought you should know that before you continue. :)

My husband picked up a book for me at the library. It was on the "bestsellers" shelf so he read the back cover and decided that I might like it. And I did, although att times it was a challenge to read. To the End of the Land by David Grossman is a great book and very well-written. (It was translated from it's original Hebrew by Jessica Cohen.)

The story takes place in Israel and has a lot to do with the wars that have gone on there over the past 50 years. It was difficult to know what was going on because I don't know the recent history of Israel, WWII, the Arabs, and all the trouble that continues over there.

The book is written mostly from Ora's point of view. She and her two friends, Avram and Ilan (both boys), meet as sick children in a seemingly abandoned hospital during a war. The beginning is hard to read, not because it's graphic, although some of it is, but because of the way it's written, and I think its supposed to be confusing. Ora and Avram spend a lot of time talking to each other as they drift in and out of consciousness and I think it's supposed to feel dreamlike; you don't know how long they were out, if they are starting a new conversation or continuing an old one. But it's interesting.

There is a lot of conflict in the story, and not just war stuff, although there is some of that too. It's about three friends where they take themselves through many circumstances that are not of their choosing and some that are. The story takes place as Ora hikes with Avram through the Israeli countryside. Ora wants to tell Avram, whose been estranged from her and Ilan for years, about her life and her sons. I don't want to give too much away so my description has to be a little vague.

There are some things in the book that you should be aware of:
  1. war - It's messy. And Mr. Grossman can be quite descriptive. From the time they were in the hospital as children, from when Ilan tries to rescue Avram who's been taken as a POW,to Avram being tortured by the Egyptians.
  2. sex - And there is some descriptive stuff in the book about that too. Not gross, overly graphic stuff, but it's not something that I'm used to reading and it's definitely not something that I'd want my children (through their teens) to be reading. 
  3. language - There are some brief expletives when people are arguing, fighting the in a war. But there's not a lot of it.
To the End of the Land is beautifully written. It made me appreciate words again. It's been a while since I've read a book where the words really paint a picture, and I love a good sentence. One of the simple joys in life. For example:
Hours go by, slowly. As though they have been preserved in some distant cellar, in jars of pickled time.

Just love that sentence! Paints a great picture.

There were also some thoughts that Ora had that I really related to as a mother. Here she is talking about being nervous about having her second child as she loves her firstborn, Adam, so much:
"Sometimes I don't know whether I'll have enough love for him," she said. "Adam fills me up so much, I don't know how I'll have room in my heart for another child."
I've had those same thoughts when I was pregnant with our second son wondering if I would be able to love the second as much as the first. Loving your own children is a special gift from God. It's like your heart grows a new chamber for each child that you can fill with love - enough love for all of them in their own way.

And her son, Ofer, reminded me of my boys also:
    Ofer, when he was around three, used to come up to her and announce: "I want to tell you a story." She would say, "I'm listening," and then wait and wait while Ofer stared into some corner of the room for a long time. Then his face would take on a ceremonial look, he'd fill his lungs with air and say in a voice hoarse with excitement: "And then..."
    "And then what?" Avram asks after a moment.
    "You don't get it," she says, her peals of laughter rolling all the way to the valley.
    "Oh," he says awkwardly. "That's the whole story?"    "And then, and then...That's the main point in stories, isn't it?"
My boys tell stories like that, too. That's another reason that I appreciated this book, cause it's real life. I could relate to her as a mother, the doubts and fears you have. And it opened my eyes to how Israel is a real place. Not all the people are shop-keepers, or own restaurants. Ora is a physical therapist, which I thought was interesting because I thought most of the women were oppressed and were forced to stay home to cook and clean and manage children. But Ora is a Jew and so they don't have the same oppression that the Arabs are "known for." I had never really thought about that before. But some of the things they deal with daily was something that seemed so surreal to me: bombings, fear of riding on the bus, terrorist attacks, fears that their children might be killed on the way home from school. Really scary stuff. And it's still happening today. How real their fear is.

Anyway, I would recommend To the End of the Land as a leisurely read, keeping in mind the three things I mentioned earlier: war, sex and language. It is beautifully written and made me appreciate good writing and good sentences. It also made me want to know more about Israel's recent history and how that relates to me as Believer. Check it out.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Nostalgic for the "What-Ifs"

My husband was gone with the high school students for the weekend. Every year in January we have our district conference and all the Evangelical Free churches from Iowa (some from neighboring states) meet in Des Moines with their staff and students to worship, pray and learn more about God and His Son. It's a great time and I really miss being a part of that. It's hard to find a free sitter for a weekend. :)

The boys and I decided to meet the group for free time at the mall and enjoy dinner with the staff. It was really nice to see everyone. And then we went to the first part of the session Downtown Des Moines. My oldest got to ride the bus from the mall to the hotel with Dad and his "students." Our younger one was pretty upset until I bought him a gumball at one of those wonderful candy kiosks in the mall. We stayed until the speaker got up and I knew we would just be a distraction so we went to the "green room," put their jammies on, and walked through the skywalk to our car. Our oldest cried almost the whole way home because he wanted to stay with his Dad because "I really love him." Sweet...but annoying at the same time when you hear it screamed for the first 20 minutes of the trip home.

They got to bed late, it was cold, and I rarely skip church so that's what we did on Sunday morning. We are usually at church from 8:45a-12:30p on Sundays so I thought it would be nice to have a weekend of nothing. And it was a beautiful morning. We listened to Christian radio, I read my book, the boys played cars, shared, talked, made up stories together, taught each other how to work the different parts of the race track. It was wonderful. I had to text my husband and let him know what a blessing it was to my heart to have skipped out on church. I told him that my heart was so full of joy watching the two of them together...but then there was a twitch of pain. Something was missing. Someone was missing. Elihu. He would've been 3 months old this past weekend. What would we be doing if he were around? Would things be the same except I'd be rocking a sweet baby boy? And that's when it hit me, I'm nostalgic for the what-ifs. I wondered if that could be possible: to be nostalgic for something that's not real. And it is. It is.

It's weird to have that moment of joy when you're heart is full...and then...and then it hurts. The thing is, I need to not focus on that hurt. I need to focus on the blessings that God has given me. I need to relish in the joy that God gives me. I need to feel that fullness in my heart. But I think that even in our happiest moments, it will feel like something's missing. And that's ok, because there is. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength (Nehemiah 8:10b). That joy, that strength, is what allows me to feel that hurt and still be filled with joy.

Friday, January 7, 2011

No Spend February

I was reminded by Sarah at Short Stop that I need to do another No Spend Month. Sarah writes about some great reasons why to do a No Spend Month and some wonderful thoughts on her journey. I'd like to document that a little bit better this time. January would have been ideal to start a No Spend Month: new year, right after a spending frenzy for Christmas, nothing major happening this month (ie. travel, birthdays, ect.). But that isn't happening...this month. So we will plan for February. And I'm nervous and excited and ready. We are in need for a little financial cleaning up after the holidays and Sarah sparked the idea to try a No Spend Month again. We did well last time and it was nice to use up stuff in the pantry and be more creative with date night. So, be praying as I prepare my mind for No Spend February.

Wanna join me??