I received this Hallmark card from a family at church and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to know that losing our baby was a big loss. Losing the hopes and dreams of this baby. For what this baby would become. For who this baby would grow up to be. It's hard thinking of falling in love with a little person growing inside of you only to find out that that baby isn't alive anymore. This was a card that deeply ministered to me because it spoke of the loss I was feeling. Losing a dream, a hope, the promise of my very special baby."Love begins before a baby is born... and that love will live forever in your heart. When you lose a baby, you lose not only the promise of a very special human being, but you lose many beautiful hopes and dreams as well."
To those who grieve in Zion -
"to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."
I really appreciated these verses because that's what I pray for: for God to turn my mourning into gladness, my spirit of despair into praise and for Him place a crown on my head instead of ashes. I want to be joyful in my hope of salvation and be known as an oak of righteousness. But some days it's hard. I don't feel strong I don't feel like I'm displaying any splendor for the Lord. My mourning is so strong that I read these verses and pray that my hope will overcome my despair and that I may grow strong through this experience and be able to minister to women in a way I never thought I could or would.
"[God's] arms are big and strong enough to welcome your little one into His presence and hold you close in the midst of your grief."
This was just part of an email I received from a dear friend, and youth pastor's wife. I love the picture of God welcoming our little one home the same time he's comforting us during our loss. Our God is so big and so complex. I'm thankful for those words during this really difficult time.
"The Master Gardener has a place for little Buds in His Heavenly Mansion as well as flowers in full bloom and beginning to fade."
That was taken from an email from my husband's Gramma. She, herself, is a gardener and I had never imagined this word picture until she presented it. It is beautiful and since then we've been calling the baby 'Lil Bud. Thank you Gramma for your loving words.
These were just a few words of comfort that we've received over the last few weeks and we've been grateful for all of them. It seems like a lifetime ago and yet it seems like everything happened just yesterday. I haven't been able to write about the details of the day we found out and the days following including the day of the D&C. It's just been too emotional for me, but I pray that as time passes God will allow me to share those days with you. I feel like there may be a woman out there who is grieving the death of her little one and may get some comfort knowing that she's not crazy for feeling the way she does, that she isn't over-reacting, and that losing an unborn baby is a big deal.
Please continue to pray for me as we hit two milestones this week: Mother's Day and our regularly scheduled ultrasound at 19 weeks. Thanks.