Our Twin Story: Part 1 - We're What?!

I really don't even know how to start this post. :) The twins' first birthday is coming up and what a better way to celebrate than to tell you our story...their story. But I have to start at the beginning of the journey.

In April 2010 we lost a precious baby boy, Elihu, at 15 weeks. The grief hit me like I'd never have expected and sent me into battle with God. I knew He had a plan but I wasn't ready to trust that it was a good plan. I didn't want to let go of my little boy. But God faithfully continued to pursue me and He so lovingly gave me Elihu's name. We had a heaven party to celebrate his little life in October 2010 and shortly after that we found out we were expecting again. Instead of falling head over heels for this baby I guarded my heart and I still regret that. I didn't allow myself to fall in love just in case it didn't work out...and it didn't. We lost that baby, Elliot, at 10 weeks. Instead of devastation and anger towards God I felt guilty for not allowing myself to be vulnerable to love. And I still hurt, just in a different way. I trusted that God had a good plan for my life, for my family and for my babies, but I felt lost.

I spent most of 2011 working on healing my body after medical procedures, sudden hormonal changes, thyroid issues. And when we got the "ok" to start trying again in November, I didn't want to. I was scared because I knew that if we lost a third baby I wouldn't be able to handle another pregnancy after that. But we went ahead and started "trying."

I noticed that my period was about a week late. I called Jonathan to pick up a pregnancy test on his way home from work. I peed on the little stick and waited for the full three minutes before looking...it was negative. And I was disappointed. I guess I was more ready than I had thought. But instead of being angry I cried out to God. And I mean, I cried. I finally asked Him that if it was not in His plan for us to have more children, to please oh please take this desire away from me. I was ready to give in fully to His will. I woke the next morning with swollen eyes from bawling into the night and Jonathan looked at me like, "What happened to you? Were you crying last night?" Yep, he slept through the whole thing. :)

About a week later, I still hadn't had my period so I thought I might as well pee on that second stick that came in our "two-pack" of pregnancy tests. I left the stick in the bathroom and proceeded to go about my day. About a half-hour later I went into the bathroom with fresh towels and saw that stick still sitting there. And it was positive. WHAT?!

I called Jonathan and told him to pick up another "two-pack" and come home...now. :) And they were both positive too. I made the official call to our OB and spoke to the nurse. The rule at our clinic is that you don't get to see the doctor until you're 12 weeks along, but since we had complications our last two pregnancies they let me in at 8 weeks with an ultrasound to make sure "something was there." What some awful words to hear. But we remained hopeful.

In fact, that night, a week after my last bawl-fest, I cried out to God again. I boldly approached His throne of grace and pleaded with Him to give us twins. I told Him that our desire was to have four kids and I didn't think that I would be able to handle another pregnancy if this one went well, let alone if this one ended the way our last two did. I pleaded for Him to let me keep this baby and to please make me pregnant with twins (they do not run in our family). I woke the next morning with swollen eyes and Jonathan looked at me and knew that I had been crying the night before while he was asleep. :) I told him that I asked God for twins. He looked at me like I was crazy. He told me what most people would've said if I told them about my prayers, that I should just be thankful for a healthy baby, that I was pretty gutsy to ask God for twins when I should just be happy to have a healthy pregnancy. I told my dear sweet husband that God already knew what was on my heart and that I wasn't afraid to come and ask Him for the "impossible."

On December 28th, 2011 we walked into that OB clinic with a full bladder anxious hearts. The last two times I was in this clinic, they did not end well. The anxiety was almost choking me. I had to remind myself to keep calm and breathe. I couldn't look at the magazines of pregnant celebrities. I had a hard time being in the same room with all those pregnant women. I was so glad that Jonathan was with me. After waiting for about 45 minutes, my bladder that was full when I arrived was about to burst. My husband and I laughed, but not too hard, about me needing to empty my bladder just a little bit. The only problem was that I didn't know if I could stop once I started. :) I know this is weird to share, but there's a reason for it later. So I did. And it did not feel good. I emptied about half of my bladder and went back to waiting for my name to be called.

Finally, I was called back for our ultrasound. I may have looked calm but I was a nervous wreck. The tech left so I could change into a gown and I was almost to the point of an anxiety attack. Jonathan held my hand and prayed for me and our baby. I was so scared to see another lifeless image on the screen. To see a baby, with no heartbeat is horrifying. Praying helped to remind me who God is and that no matter what I knew God was in control and that He loved me. The tech came in and put that cold jelly on my belly. We stared intently at the screen. Eight weeks is pretty early to have an ultrasound so it was hard to see what was going on. The tech ultrasounded my belly for a bit and then said, "I'm going to need a closer look. Don't worry. It looks fine, I just need a better look." I thought she was lying to us and I was panicked. I was also mad that we were probably going to be charged for two ultrasounds because I needed a potty break earlier while waiting. I was allowed to empty my bladder and when I returned the tech started the second ultrasound. Jonathan and I returned to staring at the screen. And that's when I saw it. I looked at the tech and she smiled at me. I said, "Is that..." And she said, "Twins. You're having identical twins!"

Whatever

I've heard the word shy defined as "a fear of social judgement." Introverts get energized from time alone whereas extroverts get energized when they're with people.

I'd say I'm about 75% introvert, which leaves 25% of me needing time with my family, my friends, my church, and ministering to students. But since I've been confined to the couch, the hospital, and my home, I've noticed that my introvert is taking a shift towards shyness. I'm becoming a recluse. It's even hard for me to write, which has always been an outlet for me, because I'm afraid of offending someone: making myself look pathetic or like a saint (I am neither). 

Introvert and extrovert are at war within. :)

My introvert is calling for space away from my littles - little hands, little spills, little diapers, little cries, little discipline-issues. There's no escaping people. I shower with the bathroom door open so I can hear any fights, any alarms beeping, any crying.

But my extrovert crying out for attention too. I miss worshiping with fellow believers. Sure listening to the sermon online is great, but worship is lacking without the people of God around you singing praises and crying out to God together. I miss my friends.

And then shy creeps in. Do I still have friends? Have I been replaced? Is it socially acceptable to talk about your struggles? Do people even remember who I am? What do they think about what I'm wearing? What about the weight I've gained since having the twins? Will people still think I'm funny? Did they ever think I was funny?

I think all of this adds up to leaving my heart open to a huge attack from Satan. Feelings of annoyance and frustration for my family. Feelings of jealousy and comparison toward people in my community. Feelings of inadequacy and insignificance creep into my soul. These are not healthy nor helpful feelings.

How do I battle this? How do I embrace the life that God has given me? How do I conquer my feelings and live with Truth in my mind and my heart?

The only solution is the Word. My husband often reminds me that those things, my doubts and fears, are not true. Those thoughts of insignificance and inadequacy are lies and I need to block with Scripture. Philippians 4:8 is one of those powerful verses that I need to meditate on when I have those negative thoughts and feelings. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

I am learning to accept that this is the journey that God has me on and there's no use in fighting it. I need to find joy in my little home and in my ministry to little hearts and hands. I need to acknowledge the significant role that I am playing in my sons' lives. I need to be at peace with the way God made me and that I have value because I'm His. This is no longer my life but Christ living through me and when I let Him fill me I will shine and there's confidence in that.

Today I Will Choose Joy

I need to repeat this aloud to myself multiple times a day.

Like when I hear matchbox cars being scraped across my hardwood floor. That is such a grating sound. I want to take good care of the things God has given me. And when I hear that sound all I can think about is the scratches that are being left behind.

So I say to myself, "Today I will choose joy."

I think about the little boy that is "driving" those cars. I think about how tender his heart is and how much fun he's having while he plays. I take the time to listen to him singing "10,000 Reasons" while he races cars back and forth over the floor. I remind myself that people are more important than things.

I also add "purchase a rug for the bedroom" to my shopping list. ;)

Wood floors are pretty trivial around here with the babies and the monitors and the tanks of oxygen. But sometimes a pet peeve can be even more irritating when it seems like we can't even "control" the small things. I am thankful for all my little boys and all the "excitement" that they can cause. ;)

A Long Hiatus

Welcome back to you and to me! It's been a LONG time since I've written and there are very many reasons for that. I've been contemplating the best way to get back into it since I've been "missing in action" for so long. There have been many times where I've wanted to write about something but thought I first needed to explain why I haven't been writing.

Well, like I said there are numerous reasons but they all correlate to these two:

October 2012

That's right! :) Those are my babies. Twin boys that I carried and had cut out of me delivered on May 15, 2012. And they've caused quite a stir from the time we found out we were expecting to today when they're both asleep on the couch after their tummies were filled with milk.

After losing Elihu at 15 weeks and another baby at 10 weeks in 2010, we wondered if we would be able to have more children. We wondered if our two boys (now 6yrs and 4yrs) would complete our quiver. My husband and I spent a lot of time in prayer and discussion trying to decide if it was worth the possibility of having our hearts broken again if we lost another baby.

That's the main reason that I didn't blog about my pregnancy. Fear. It is a lot easier, albeit painful, to write about my grief after losing our two babies than to write about my fears. My "Type A" personality likes that there are stages of grief. I understand the process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It even makes sense to me how you can bounce around between those stages in a day...or even in an hour. There's a documented process to grief, a "science". But fear/anxiety/worry is something that I've struggled with my whole life in one way or another. And I've never seemed to "master" it.

God calls us to "cast our worries on Him" which is something that is usually easier said than done. But 1 Peter continues "because He cares for you." And that's what I needed to focus on throughout my pregnancy. That God cares for me. During the summer of 2010, I learned to rely on God's sovereignty. I had to know that He was in control. That He had a plan for me. For Elihu. I had to cling to that promise. I couldn't grasp on to His goodness or His love or His mercy. But I could rely on His plan. I had to because there was nothing else.

And while facing my fears over this last year, I've learned that I still need to cling on to His sovereignty, but that I can enjoy His blessings, His goodness, His mercy. I can bask in His love and that through His plan, I can have joy. And joy does not equal happiness. Joy takes work. It takes choosing daily to live joyfully instead of in a state of worry or anxiety. And I am still working.

Over the next few weeks, I want to share with you my story of my newest blessings: Caleb Henry and Ezekiel Thomas. From the time we found out we were expecting, to today as I struggle to survive in this house of boys. :) Thanks for your patience during my absence and I hope you keep reading.
 

These next two passages of Scripture speak about worshiping God with our thankful hearts through music. It's a great thing to be able to praise God with our voices when we listen to music, sing along, sing with a group, or when we make a joyful noise. :) 

No-Complain November :: Day 3
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.Colossians 3:15-17

No-Complain November :: Day 4
Come, let us sing to the Lord!
      Let us shout joyfully to the Rock of our salvation.
 Let us come to him with thanksgiving.
      Let us sing psalms of praise to him.
 For the Lord is a great God,
      a great King above all gods. Psalm 95:1-3



May you be blessed today as you worship God in whatever you do.

Come, Ye Thankful People, Come

Every autumn the song Come, Ye Thankful People, Come gets in my brain. I think a lot of it has to do with growing up in a farming community. The writer (Henry Alford) of this hymn is calling the people together to praise God for the bountiful harvest He has supplied. But it's also pointing us to the future harvest when Christ will make is triumphal return. I am blessed to have grown up singing this hymn and now I want to share it with you.

Come, Ye Thankful People, Come

Come, ye thankful people, come, raise the song of harvest home;

All is safely gathered in, ere the winter storms begin.

God our Maker doth provide for our wants to be supplied;

Come to God's own temple, come, raise the song of harvest home.

All the world is God's own field, fruit unto His praise to yield;

Wheat and tares together sown unto joy or sorrow grown.

First the blade and then the ear, then the full corn shall appear;

Lord of harvest, grant that we wholesome grain and pure may be.

For the Lord our God shall come, and shall take His harvest home;

From His field shall in that day all offenses purge away,

Giving angels charge at last in the fire the tares to cast;

But the fruitful ears to store in His garner evermore.

Even so, Lord, quickly come, bring Thy final harvest home;

Gather Thou Thy people in, free from sorrow, free from sin,

There, forever purified, in Thy garner to abide;

Come, with all Thine angels come, raise the glorious harvest home. 

I get teary-eyed every time I sing that last verse. "Gather Thou Thy people in, free from sorrow, free from sin" - I am anxious for that glorious day.


Do you have any special songs that you enjoy during the harvest/Thanksgiving season?

No-Complain November

You've seen our family's experience with No-Spend March and No-TV February so now I introduce to you:

No-Complain November

I thought November was the perfect time to focus on all the things we are thankful for (pretty obvious) and it's a great time to put my whiny voice away. We want to set an example for our boys who have been bitten by the "Complain-About-It" bug. And honestly, I've been dealing with my own infestation of the dreaded CAI bug.  God's been so good to us and we want to focus on His blessings this year instead of our worries, doubts, and wants. I will be posting verses (and also on Facebook) as daily medication for the CAI bug.

No-Complain November :: Day 1
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7

No-Complain November :: Day 2
I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;
  I will tell of your wonderful deeds.
I will be glad and rejoice in you;
  I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High. Psalm 9:1-2


I pray that this month you can overflow with thankfulness to God for the many ways He blesses you. It's gonna be a great way to get into the Advent season.

So, wanna play along? :)


Something to get you started: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp
(on sale now at DaySpring - One Thousand Gifts and God In the Moment perpetual calendar set)

Christmas in October?

I'm busy baking Triple Chocolate Sour Cream Brownies and listening to the Christmas Blues on Pandora (you heard me right, Christmas music). It's so relaxing. A few days ago our basement had a slight flood (more on that another time) and we had dishes galore after not being able to use water for a day. And I listened to Christmas music then too. It helped me get the job done with a smile on my face.

Today I was thinking why I am so in the mood for Christmas this early in the year. I wondered if it's the amazingly warm temperatures we've enjoyed throughout October (74 degrees this week). I wondered if it's because we've been moving our Christmas stuff around in the basement trying to organize all our crap precious things.

It was during my prayer time that I realized that I'm just excited about Christmas this year. I'm excited to be in our new home. I'm excited to take out our Christmas decor and deck the halls. I'm excited to shop for my family. I'm excited to work on some extra special crafts to make the holidays more jolly. I'm ready to get out the Advent calendar and plan some special things for our family to do together to remind us of the gift of Jesus. I'm ready and I'm excited.

I think this happiness is oozing from me because last year I just wanted to make it through the holidays. Last year was filled with loss, depression, fights with God, learning hard lessons, rededicating my life to Christ and God's will, being humbled and filled with God's grace and righteousness. And I was hurting a lot last Christmas. I put on my happy face for my boys so that they would still remember Christmas as a happy time. I reluctantly decorated the house but there wasn't any real joy in the process. We skipped our Advent adventures all together last year. I barely got gifts wrapped and under the tree by Christmas. It was just a sad time of year for us.

I'm sure that this Christmas will have it's share of tears - happy and mournful - but there's a bounce to my step that wasn't there last year. I pray that God continues to show me grace as we get closer to Thanksgiving and that it can truly be a time of thanksgiving. And as we approach Christmas, that our Advent days will be filled with the hope of Jesus Christ.

So, if you hear me humming Christmas tunes while shopping for groceries, don't roll your eyes. I'm just ready to celebrate!

Wide Awake

I was awakened at 3:45a this morning cause some little boy needed his covers "straightened out." :) It felt good to tuck him in and get him all cozy.

But now, two hours later, I'm still awake. Fretting. Fretting over the next two weeks. Fretting about speaking at the college group tonight and how I still feel unprepared. Fretting about grocery shopping tomorrow and I don't have my list ready. Fretting about planning/attending baby showers (next weekend will be the first since losing our two precious children). Fretting.

As if worrying isn't bad enough, I start to get mad. I'm mad about things that have happened in the past. I'm mad about the expectations that have been placed on me by myself and others. I'm mad that I'm still mad...

I know that my brain isn't all that "logical" at 5:40am especially since my husband has been out of town for four days (he gets home later today - woohoo!). I know that my worrying and anxiousness are sin and it's causing me to become angry and hurt.

But God is faithful. I open my email and there's a new post from Doorposts. It's about discouragement. And it hits me in the gut.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, 

and why are you in turmoil within me?” 

 (Psalm 42:11a, ESV)

Ahhh. The power of the Word of God. I ask myself again, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?" I'm still hurting and it's causing anxiety and anger. Those two sins seem to haunt me, always lurking around the corner. Always catching me off-guard when I least expect it. Always ready to pounce and devour me.

And even when I'm not seeking God in the Word, He's still pursuing me and knows what I need to defend myself when I'm downcast. The article from Doorposts listed a few reasons we become discouraged:

I am likely to become discouraged when:

• I am suffering trials (loss, death, troubled relationships, health problems, financial setbacks). Check
• I expect people to be and do what only God can be and do. Check
• I think circumstances ought to change, but they don’t. Check
• I want to control circumstances instead of trusting God. Check
• I feel like nothing I do is making any difference.
• I am struggling with illness, fatigue, or hormones. Check
• I compare myself to others. Check
• I expect perfection from myself and others. Check
• I try to play the role of Holy Spirit in someone’s life.
• I try to work in my own strength instead of availing myself of God’s infinite strength. Check
• I listen to myself instead of speaking the truth of God’s Word to myself. Check
• I don’t take the time or invest the energy needed to organize my time and environment.
• I don’t set aside time for communing with God (thinking, praying, studying, reading). Check
• I am over-committed. Check
• I feel like I’m barely keeping up with all that I am supposed to do.
• I am doing unnecessary things that I am not called to do.
• I isolate myself.
• I am resentful or bitter or start to feel sorry for myself. Check
• I am worried or afraid. Check
• I have not repented of sin.
• I am facing the consequences of my sin and negligence.

Those are some pretty heavy things. And you may be dealing with different ones that I am. But they are all hard things to conquer and we are only able to do that through the power of God, His Word, His Spirit and the love of His people.

I sit quietly and listen to the birds start to sing.



It's still dark. The sun isn't up. Yet, they are singing in anticipation of the arrival of the warm, bright sun. Maybe I need to follow the example of God's creation this morning and begin praising Him in the darkness of discouragement anticipating the arrival of a new day. I need the truth of God's Word this morning.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul,
   and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
   my salvation and my God."

(Psalm 42:11, ESV)

Before the Morning
Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
(Chorus)


Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
(Chorus)

More Music That Makes Me Cry

You can tell I've been in a "worshipful-mood" lately as there have been so many songs that have touched my heart. This one was recommended by Kristi K. and it really spoke to me. Sometimes the lyrics of a song can touch deep down in your soul, so much that it can be healing.

The chorus is really powerful as a grieving mom and I think the words that made me cry the hardest were,

We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home.

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

 And that's what I've been thinking about over the past few days. I recently told someone that I've always looked forward to heaven, but I wasn't really "ready". But after losing our two precious babies I feel ready for heaven. I'm past that stage in life where I don't want to die because there are things on this earth that I want to experience first. Sure, I want to see my boys grow up, accept Christ as their Savior, see them become young men in the Lord, get married, have children of their own, watch them minister in whatever occupation they are in. I want to continue in ministry with my husband in our neighborhood, in our church, in our family, in our youth ministry. I want to experience all those things...but not as much as I want heaven.

I also think of others who are experiencing pain: friends from Mommies with Hope, Christians who are being persecuted, missionaries spreading the Gospel to unreached people-groups, those who are grieving, those who are dealing with illness (Joanne), those who are suffering in their sin, and many more. A lot of times I don't see the pain as mercy in disguise. I'm more apt to cry out in anger, disappointment, fear and I question the promises that God gives us in His Word. I need music like this to remind me that the aching points us toward heaven; it spurs us on to the day of Christ's return. That we need to rejoice that this suffering is only for a "little while" while we wait for our eternal and perfect Home.

Laura Story - "Blessings" Lyrics

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

 Are there any songs you've heard lately that have been healing?

Reminder to Rejoice

It's been a rough few weeks. And I've been very emotional. I keep blaming my thyroid but really it's more of a heart issue. I'm still sad. I'm having a hard time thinking of the future without our little boys. I'm having a hard time wondering if I will ever feel a life move inside of me again. I'm having a hard time wondering if I'll give birth to a healthy child ever again. It's painful. And we're in it thick. We have 20+ friends that are pregnant or have just had their babies. I'm totally not exaggerating - we've started a list with names. Most of these people are close friends, and the others are still friends, not acquaintances. So it's rough.

Facebook is especially difficult for me. Family and friends with their ever-expanding bellies, hospital pictures of moms and babes, updated family pictures with moms and dads and kids and newborns. It's rough. I keep reminding myself of Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." And I need to remember to do that. Even if it's just a "congratulations!" on their facebook page.

And sometimes it's more than that. It's planning baby showers for friends and family. Buying party favors, baking cake, making snacks, sewing gifts, searching registries, gathering guest lists and sending invites. It's writing a thoughtful heartfelt card and meaning the words that you say. It's bringing families meals when they are recovering from having their babies. To truly rejoice with women, it's work for me.

Just to be clear: 

1. I don't write this to get people's pity or to have them feel bad for me. 
2. And I don't want to hurt people who are excited about their little ones. You have every right to be excited and you don't need my permission. 

I write this because it's my reality. That I need to remind myself to rejoice with expectant moms, whether it's their first or tenth baby. I need to remember to rejoice for the little lives who are born healthy. I need that reminder that as I wait for what God has in store for me, I am called to serve and worship. I am called to rejoice.

It's been a blessing to be on the worship team again. I'm on the team for April 10th and we are singing John Waller's song While I'm Waiting. It was made popular by the movie Fireproof. But I'm focusing on the words as a mom whose lost two precious children, as a mom who is unsure if God will ever bless her family with another baby, as a woman healing from a broken heart. There are some words from this song that hit me hard:

"And I am hopeful, waiting on you Lord." Oh, it's hard to say that aloud. It's hard to cry that out to God. I want to be hopeful but it's so hard to let that guard down and trust Him. I pray that I will be a hopeful person.

"I will move ahead bold and confident." Again, it's heart-wrenching to sing those words. I ask myself, am I confident? Am I acting out of bold faith?

"Though it's painful...though it's not easy, but faithfully and patiently, I will wait." And I pray that I can remain faithful and patient through the pain; that I will someday be an oak of righteousness (Isaiah 61:3); that through perseverance I will be changed and that God will see me as mature, lacking nothing (James 1:2-4).

And I need to remember that I am called to serve and worship as I rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15).

Thoughts on Lent

Eugene Cho has some pretty thought provoking things to say on his blog about Lent and how we choose to prepare our hearts for Easter. It made me think about giving myself to God and how that has to be a daily choice, to give up my will for the Father's. It's difficult and I can say that most days I probably don't do so well, but I can wake up each morning and try again. Check out Eugene's blog and his post Lent: Giving Up Coffee or My Life?

How do you prepare your heart for the Easter season? Is there a Lenten devotional that you read daily? Do you fast from something specific? How can we abide with the Father through this season?

Thankful

It's always fun finding something unexpected in the mail. I opened my mailbox and it was stuffed full of bills, coupon fliers, my favorite magazine Cook's Country, and even a package with my name on it. I didn't think I had ordered anything and there was no return address. I opened the package to find this book:

And this note:

What a pleasant surprise!! And what a blessing. :) I'm looking forward to reading One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp as she's always so thought provoking on her blog, A Holy Experience. I'm behind in the group discussion but I look forward to viewing the videos of Ann sharing her thoughts about each chapter. What a blessing to receive this book as a gift from an anonymous sister in Christ. Thank you!!

Our Anniversary

My husband and I were married on New Year's Eve of 2002. It was a wonderful wedding and we had so much fun at our reception! It was such a blessed day.

We really enjoy having our anniversary on New Year's Eve as there's always something special going on - although we usually choose to spend our time alone together. The only real tradition that we have for our anniversary is taking the year's calendar along to dinner so we can look over each month and talk about highs & lows, who was sick when, what the weather was (I do write down major things: snow storms, flooding, etc), travels, ministry opportunities, etc. We discuss how we've grown, how we've seen our boys grow, where we see ourselves in the next year and even set some personal, marriage, and family goals.

But this year, I had the 2010 calendar put away on the shelf by December 28th. I was more than ready to start a new year. And honestly, I was hoping Jonathan wouldn't remember our calendar tradition. But sure enough, the afternoon of December 31st he asked me where the calendar was so we could take it along to dinner. I told him that I put it away. And I hoped he wouldn't go grab it for our date.

As we were getting in the car after kissing the boys good night and giving instructions to the sitter, he hands me the 2010 calendar. I look at it with dread. We drive the 30 minutes it takes to get to the restaurant and I feel a headache coming on. It's not your average headache, it's a stress headache that starts in between my shoulder blades and comes out my eyes. My neck muscles are tight and my skull hurts.

We are seated quickly, as my wonderful husband had made reservations, and I take a few ibuprofen to get through the evening. The food didn't even taste that good because my head hurt so bad. As we're eating our table-made guacamole, he pulls out the calendar, ready to dive-in to our tradition. And I tell him that I can't. I can't look at that calendar. I can't look over the year and talk about highs and lows, as my high started in January and ended horribly in April when we found out Elihu was dead. The depression that follows for several months and then finally a light. God's revelation to me about Elihu and the plan He had for his little life. I didn't want to think about how hard October 8th was. I didn't want to think about the pregnancy we discovered in early November. I didn't want to look at the month of spotting wondering if we were going to lose our second baby this year and I didn't want to look at the month of December and see our worst fears realized. I didn't want to see the date of our second D&C for the year and the pain and emotional trauma that we experienced right before Christmas. I did not want to look at that calendar. (Right now I can feel my shoulders and neck becoming tight again just as I write about it.)

I finally admitted my sadness, guilt, shame, anger, self-pity, emptiness to my husband and could finally feel my body relax. He was perfectly fine with not looking at the calendar and wished that I had said something sooner. It wasn't a big deal to him and that was such a relief. We made it through the rest of our dinner and decided not to stay for dessert. I was in a funky mood and didn't really want to stay there any longer.

We decided to walk to a coffee shop several blocks away in the freezing cold with the blustery winds biting at our cheeks. But it felt so good to me. The cold air was so refreshing. There were a lot of people out and about and it was weird for me to see how happy and hopeful they were. "What all these people were so happy about?"

We walked into the coffee shop and ordered our drinks and dessert to go. We sipped as we walked to our car and I felt relieved. I didn't have to reminisce the past year with my husband. I didn't have to go over those tough emotions of losing two babies in one year. I didn't have to dwell on that 2010 calendar. I could move on and hope for the things God has planned for us for 2011. I was finally feeling hope and I was ready to release the year 2010 to God, and put it on the shelf.

2010 was a painful year for us. And some day I will take out that calendar and pour over the things that happened and how we are better for them, how we grew both spiritually and emotionally. And how God was still with us through all that pain. I am so thankful for all of God's new beginnings: a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year. God is good to give us that fresh perspective, that fresh start.

I am thanking God for the hope that 2011 offers me, and I know that even if it's another painful year, that God is faithful and will always offer me a new beginning.

Welcome 2011!!

I am here to tell you that I am very grateful for a new year. A year filled with new hopes and dreams. A year of anticipation. A year of no regret. A year of living every day to the fullest. A year of slowing down and enjoying the little things - even if it's a toddler or preschooler screaming their blessed head off. A year of taking time and loving more. A year of telling people thank you more. A year of encouragement. A new year.

Today I started my gratitude journal. Every day something new to be thankful for. I decided that it was time to put the pessimism (that is naturally my first instinct) to the back-burner and begin each day with a blessing that I have received and focus on that instead of on the what-ifs, the if-onlys and be happy for today and for what I do have not focusing on what I don't.

So today, I thank God for my husband. Yesterday we celebrated 8 years of marriage. I can tell you that some years have been hard and we have had a marriage filled with trials. But for the most part, our years together have been blessed. We still love each other and more and more each day. I love to laugh with him. I love that he's getting little smile wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. I love his love and passion for the Lord and for the students and parents that we serve through his job as a middle school youth pastor. I love that I get to be his helpmeet through our home, our children and our ministry. It's a true blessing to be married to such a wonderful man. And he's cute ta' boot. ;)

Here's to a year filled with gratitude!!

Where in the Blog are You?

I'm still here. I'm having a hard time writing lately. I think it's because after Elihu's death and because the whole process of grieving and making it out on the other side with a better perspective has been exhausting and a lot of hard work. It's hard to look at the day-to-day things and feel that they are significant after the loss of a child. But it's the day-to-day things that make life worth living.

I can say that my heart is heavy this Christmas. I'm trying to be positive and not dwell on the should'ves or could'ves but rest my heart in Jesus' birth and the joy my family brings me. I don't want to carry my heavy heart around ignoring the joy that my boys bring me. I want to be joyful in the little everyday things they do - whether they are positive or not-so positive. ;)

So instead of trying to think of stuff to write at the end of this year, I'm focusing on 2011 - a fresh new start. I want to begin 2011 with a gratitude journal. I bought a little pocket-type calendar and this year I will be writing in it everyday something that I am thankful for or something encouraging and positive. I thought a calendar would be better than a regular notebook because it might keep me on task better. There's a little spot for each day and I plan on filling it with all the good things going on in my life and in the lives around me. I would love to also keep track of my Bible reading. I read something almost everyday but I don't often journal about it or write about it so I thought if I'm not going to journal it at least I should record what I've been reading and put some kind of description down so I will remember if it was something that touched my heart.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. We sure will. But my heart is really looking forward to the freshness of 2011 and the hope that it brings. Love to you all!! Merry Christmas!!

Starting a Small Group

Along with a high school junior, I started a small group with seven 7th grade girls. Last week we met with the moms and let them in on what our group is about and what is required of the girls in the group. It went really well, although I was nervous. ;) And tonight we have our first real meeting.

We're going to be going through the book A Young Woman After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George. I've used this book before and it went really well. It really focuses on how to have a relationship with Jesus Christ: setting apart time to spend with Him each day, talking with Him, submitting to His authority, and more! I think it's a great starter book for these girls.

I also encouraged them to get a journal for their quiet times and for prayer requests. I think it's important for them to journal about Scripture that they're reading 1) to stay on task and 2) so they can reflect back on this passage later. It's amazing how you can read something from God's Word and read it again a year later and He's speaking truth to you in a new and fresh way.

I also created a Group Covenant (with help from a handout I received from the youth pastor) that they will sign tonight. I think it's important to give them clear expectations. It helps them to take ownership of the group, helps them to come to group prepared, and it's a great way to have the girls hold each other accountable for the goals we've set for our group.

Please be in prayer for me and my co-leader as we serve these girls and hopefully guide them to a closer relationship with the Lord.

Reflections On Psalm 127

When we were in San Diego I had a lot of non-distracted time to read (and I really enjoyed that time). ;) One of the Psalms that hit me in a new way (as it did my husband) was Psalm 127.

Psalm 127

¹ Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

² In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.

³ Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.

⁴ Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth.

⁵ Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

We have always loved vs 3-5. It holds such meaning for us as parents. We want our children to be strong arrows that we eventually send out into the enemy's camp. We pray that God blesses our quiver and that He gives us the strength we need when it's time for us to let them go and fight for Christ.

But the first 2 verses I thought were always talking about building a city and what that requires. But as my husband and I were looking at the entire Psalm, we thought it might be talking about parenting and building your home. It's amazing how this Psalm has changed my perspective.

¹ Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

No matter what we do to protect our children or how we work to raise them, it is ultimately in God's hands. And we need to hand over that control to God. He will build up our children and He will protect them. It's totally up to God no matter what we do to try and hold on. God's got this. He's got our kids. He loves them and He wants us to hand them over to His will. That doesn't mean we don't do anything, but we need to realize that God loves them more than we do, which is hard for me to grasp.

² In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.

This verse took on another parent-meaning. It goes so many ways - parents worrying more than praying - for our children's health/future/character/walk with God, dad being gone all the time to work to support the family, mom trying to be all (seamstress, gardener, maid, laundress, cook, baker, shopper, chauffeur, crafty, frugal, Proverbs 31 wife and mother, secretary, entertainment director, friend, full-time job outside the home, hostess, blogger, book-reader, spiritual adviser, accountant, referee, etc) and becoming ineffective in her parenting. That last one is more me than anything else. I spend too much time trying to measure up to my own unrealistic expectations when my ultimate desire is to have my children know Jesus Christ, love and serve Him. But God grants sleep to those He loves. I don't need to be all of those things all the time. I need to be a lover of Jesus, a wife and a mother.

So, maybe this verse is about building a city. Or maybe it's about building a family and a home. This Psalm has been a great encouragement to me and it needs to go somewhere where I'll see it everyday. To remind me to refocus on who God is and that He will care for me and my children. My study Bible states it like this: "A good harvest is not the achievement of endless toil but the result of God's blessings." And I think that's such a blessing for a mother to know!


P.S. When I read this article on self-doubt as a homeschool mom over at Heart of the Matter Psalm 127 came right to my mind.

Hearts at Home North Central Conference

In November I (along with several other women from my church) will be heading to Rochester, MN to Hearts at Home. I'm really excited to spend time with my dear friend, Emily, during this weekend of refreshment and learning.

This conference was started by Jill Savage. She's written some great books on motherhood and the Christian woman. I really enjoy reading her blog and am excited to hear her speak at the conference. I can't wait to hear Dr. Kevin Leman, as he's one of my favorite authors for parenting and marriage/sex. But he's mainly known for his books on Birth Order. It's all very interesting and I can't wait to hear more.

There's also breakouts in the afternoon and there are a lot to choose from. This conference is for all stages of motherhood and the breakouts help you get info for your stage of motherhood.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the Friday night of the conference is girls night out. Sounds wonderful to me!! Go Fish will be there with all their musical talent (funny to think I saw them at a park in Sioux Center, IA when they were first getting started). If you get a chance to go, it's a great conference and I'm really looking forward to it!!


Some of my favorite books by Dr. Kevin Leman:

Sheet Music - "This book will expand and challenge your thinking, help you start your marriage off right, or go from humdrum to exciting if you’re already married."




First Time Mom - "He describes the traits that characterize firstborn children and educates new moms (and dads!) on the essentials of parenting, offering practical tips on what to expect and how to adjust in your new role."


The Birth Order Book - "Dr. Leman will offer readers a fascinating look at how birth order affects personality, marriage and relationships, parenting style, career, and children."

Feeling Exhausted?

I read this post yesterday from Sarah Markley at The Best Days of My Life. I cried. I feel like that today (most days, as of late). Tired of disciplining. I need some refreshment for my spirit. I need refreshment with my husband.

Thank you, Sarah, for putting it into perspective. God is so almighty, caring, and tender. And He never gives up on us.