Whatever

I've heard the word shy defined as "a fear of social judgement." Introverts get energized from time alone whereas extroverts get energized when they're with people.

I'd say I'm about 75% introvert, which leaves 25% of me needing time with my family, my friends, my church, and ministering to students. But since I've been confined to the couch, the hospital, and my home, I've noticed that my introvert is taking a shift towards shyness. I'm becoming a recluse. It's even hard for me to write, which has always been an outlet for me, because I'm afraid of offending someone: making myself look pathetic or like a saint (I am neither). 

Introvert and extrovert are at war within. :)

My introvert is calling for space away from my littles - little hands, little spills, little diapers, little cries, little discipline-issues. There's no escaping people. I shower with the bathroom door open so I can hear any fights, any alarms beeping, any crying.

But my extrovert crying out for attention too. I miss worshiping with fellow believers. Sure listening to the sermon online is great, but worship is lacking without the people of God around you singing praises and crying out to God together. I miss my friends.

And then shy creeps in. Do I still have friends? Have I been replaced? Is it socially acceptable to talk about your struggles? Do people even remember who I am? What do they think about what I'm wearing? What about the weight I've gained since having the twins? Will people still think I'm funny? Did they ever think I was funny?

I think all of this adds up to leaving my heart open to a huge attack from Satan. Feelings of annoyance and frustration for my family. Feelings of jealousy and comparison toward people in my community. Feelings of inadequacy and insignificance creep into my soul. These are not healthy nor helpful feelings.

How do I battle this? How do I embrace the life that God has given me? How do I conquer my feelings and live with Truth in my mind and my heart?

The only solution is the Word. My husband often reminds me that those things, my doubts and fears, are not true. Those thoughts of insignificance and inadequacy are lies and I need to block with Scripture. Philippians 4:8 is one of those powerful verses that I need to meditate on when I have those negative thoughts and feelings. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

I am learning to accept that this is the journey that God has me on and there's no use in fighting it. I need to find joy in my little home and in my ministry to little hearts and hands. I need to acknowledge the significant role that I am playing in my sons' lives. I need to be at peace with the way God made me and that I have value because I'm His. This is no longer my life but Christ living through me and when I let Him fill me I will shine and there's confidence in that.

Today I Will Choose Joy

I need to repeat this aloud to myself multiple times a day.

Like when I hear matchbox cars being scraped across my hardwood floor. That is such a grating sound. I want to take good care of the things God has given me. And when I hear that sound all I can think about is the scratches that are being left behind.

So I say to myself, "Today I will choose joy."

I think about the little boy that is "driving" those cars. I think about how tender his heart is and how much fun he's having while he plays. I take the time to listen to him singing "10,000 Reasons" while he races cars back and forth over the floor. I remind myself that people are more important than things.

I also add "purchase a rug for the bedroom" to my shopping list. ;)

Wood floors are pretty trivial around here with the babies and the monitors and the tanks of oxygen. But sometimes a pet peeve can be even more irritating when it seems like we can't even "control" the small things. I am thankful for all my little boys and all the "excitement" that they can cause. ;)

A Long Hiatus

Welcome back to you and to me! It's been a LONG time since I've written and there are very many reasons for that. I've been contemplating the best way to get back into it since I've been "missing in action" for so long. There have been many times where I've wanted to write about something but thought I first needed to explain why I haven't been writing.

Well, like I said there are numerous reasons but they all correlate to these two:

October 2012

That's right! :) Those are my babies. Twin boys that I carried and had cut out of me delivered on May 15, 2012. And they've caused quite a stir from the time we found out we were expecting to today when they're both asleep on the couch after their tummies were filled with milk.

After losing Elihu at 15 weeks and another baby at 10 weeks in 2010, we wondered if we would be able to have more children. We wondered if our two boys (now 6yrs and 4yrs) would complete our quiver. My husband and I spent a lot of time in prayer and discussion trying to decide if it was worth the possibility of having our hearts broken again if we lost another baby.

That's the main reason that I didn't blog about my pregnancy. Fear. It is a lot easier, albeit painful, to write about my grief after losing our two babies than to write about my fears. My "Type A" personality likes that there are stages of grief. I understand the process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It even makes sense to me how you can bounce around between those stages in a day...or even in an hour. There's a documented process to grief, a "science". But fear/anxiety/worry is something that I've struggled with my whole life in one way or another. And I've never seemed to "master" it.

God calls us to "cast our worries on Him" which is something that is usually easier said than done. But 1 Peter continues "because He cares for you." And that's what I needed to focus on throughout my pregnancy. That God cares for me. During the summer of 2010, I learned to rely on God's sovereignty. I had to know that He was in control. That He had a plan for me. For Elihu. I had to cling to that promise. I couldn't grasp on to His goodness or His love or His mercy. But I could rely on His plan. I had to because there was nothing else.

And while facing my fears over this last year, I've learned that I still need to cling on to His sovereignty, but that I can enjoy His blessings, His goodness, His mercy. I can bask in His love and that through His plan, I can have joy. And joy does not equal happiness. Joy takes work. It takes choosing daily to live joyfully instead of in a state of worry or anxiety. And I am still working.

Over the next few weeks, I want to share with you my story of my newest blessings: Caleb Henry and Ezekiel Thomas. From the time we found out we were expecting, to today as I struggle to survive in this house of boys. :) Thanks for your patience during my absence and I hope you keep reading.
 

I Wanna Try

Here's some more wonderful things that I want to try...


I want to eat this soup:

Yummy Italian Sausage Soup
From Susan at Living with Punks







I wish I could sew better so I could make this:

DIY Pleated Dress
From Sarah at Welcome to the Good









I wish I could sew better so I could make this too:

Anthropologie Squeeze Box Top DIY
From Sarah at Welcome to the Good









I want to print these out (and laminate, of course):

31 Ways to Pray for Your Children Cards
From Danielle at Yet He Abideth Faithful







I want to sit here:

Tutorial: Land of Nod Inspired Floor Cushion
From Susan at Living With Punks

Day 2 of Giveaways at Doorposts

Ever feel like you need a parenting check-up? Do you have days where you need to refocus on your ministry as a mom (or dad)? Do you have days where you feel like you just haven't measured up and need to refresh your heart? Do have areas of sin that you need "surgery" on? Do you have trouble explaining your role as a parent/disciplinarian to your children?

Today Doorposts is hosting it's 2nd day of giveaways with A Checklist for Parents - Questions and Scripture for Self-Examination. Some days I just need something to help me check my attitude towards my husband and my children...along with my attitude towards God. This sounds like a great resource for my husband and me. Make sure you stop by their blog and become a follower (facebook, email, blog follower) to qualify for this giveaway.

Bedrest

When I was pregnant with my firstborn, I was on bedrest for three weeks before he was born at 34 weeks. And I have to say that, although there was a lot of anxiousness involved, there wasn't a lot of boredom.

We don't have cable TV at home so that was a great help. Since my husband is in student ministry we know lots of students and I looked forward to 3pm when they would stop by to visit. That was probably my favorite part of the day. :) And then there were the naps...the glorious naps. People gave me wonderful things to do also: movies, color, make a pair of moccasins (thanks Jereth), color. Coloring became very therapeutic for me. It was such a calming activity. It probably really helped my blood pressure. :)

And that was another thing too. I had to be on my side at all times. So it was hard to play video games or do anything that would increase my heart rate. But I made it through...with my sanity. :) And I got to take home a healthy baby boy and that was the main thing.

Kristen, at We Are THAT Family, posted on her weekly Works for Me Wednesday about what to give someone on bedrest so they won't be bored to death. I thought it was a great list and hopefully will help you if you know someone on bedrest or someone who is housebound from an injury.

What Am I Doing?

I ask myself that question a lot during the week. I read lots of parenting books on discipline, homeschooling, healthy sleep habits, how to raise a grateful child, how not to raise a Christian wimp, blah, blah, blah.

But most of the time I'm just making stuff up. I don't know what I'm doing. I think most parents would say the same thing. We haven't done this before. We don't know what "normal" is. There's no training class for being a parent. And just when you think you have it "all figured out" with your first child, the second one comes along with a whole new personality, gifts, weak spots, stubbornness, attitude, physical and emotional needs, and the list goes on and on. And so again, we find ourselves making things up and adjusting our "head knowledge" to another human being's specific needs.

And sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it. I'd rather busy myself with other "tasks" (email, a book from the library, hiding in the closet) than focus on the toddler wildly blowing bubbles in his milk and thus it overflows onto the table and eventually the floor. I don't want to deal with the little blessing who has decided it was better to eat the paint than use it to paint a portrait of his wonderful mother. I want to not see the bloody wound in the back of my little boy's throat because he fell with a New Year's horn in his mouth. I don't want to listen to the preschooler who has been in bed for an hour-and-a-half chanting that he wants a drink, he wants a drink, he wants a drink, he wants a drink, he wants a drink (honestly I do not understand how he can be so persistent). I want to ignore the urine puddle around the base of the toilet that I removed only 30 minutes prior. I want to ignore that my little boy just screamed, "NO!" in my face when I told him it was time to pick up his Legos and get ready for dinner. I want to ignore those moments. I want to run away and hide in the van and watch a movie on the portable DVD player like they do in commercials. I don't want to be "Mom" because some days I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm so thankful that God's Instructional Book focuses a little less on the tasks of parenting and more on the heart. In Deuteronomy we are reminded twice (6:6-9 and 11:18-19) to remember God's commandments and impress them on our children. We are reminded of how important it is to make that a daily thing not just on Sundays or Wednesday nights. We are also told many times in Proverbs (13:24, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13-15, 29:15, 29:17) how important it is to discipline your child and that if we don't it leads to death, not necessarily physical death but a spiritual death. And that having a disciplined child will "bring delight to your soul." Oh, how I pray that will be a consistent joy someday. We are also reminded in the New Testament (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21) how important it is to encourage our children and to not "exasperate" them, or they will become discouraged.

A great place to find specific verses on parenting and the wonderful issues situations that it creates is Premeditated Parenting. I haven't read the book but the reference section is great! There are many encouraging verses on discipline, verses for your children to think about, specific verses for Dad or Mom, and more.

Sure, some days we may have no idea what we're doing, but the Word of God is never changing and can be the greatest reference for you. It doesn't give you the best way to potty-train, how to get your child to sleep through the night, or how to get the paint out of your child's teeth, but it does offer great encouragement and training that we need to reference when we don't know what we're doing. And prayer. Hopefully you have people praying for you as you raise your children, cause we need all the help we can get.

Do you have any special verses that you cling to when you want to go hide in the van and watch a movie? Do you have a hard time remembering to focus yourself and your children on the Word in daily situations as you raise your littles?

Reflections On Psalm 127

When we were in San Diego I had a lot of non-distracted time to read (and I really enjoyed that time). ;) One of the Psalms that hit me in a new way (as it did my husband) was Psalm 127.

Psalm 127

¹ Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

² In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.

³ Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.

⁴ Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth.

⁵ Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

We have always loved vs 3-5. It holds such meaning for us as parents. We want our children to be strong arrows that we eventually send out into the enemy's camp. We pray that God blesses our quiver and that He gives us the strength we need when it's time for us to let them go and fight for Christ.

But the first 2 verses I thought were always talking about building a city and what that requires. But as my husband and I were looking at the entire Psalm, we thought it might be talking about parenting and building your home. It's amazing how this Psalm has changed my perspective.

¹ Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

No matter what we do to protect our children or how we work to raise them, it is ultimately in God's hands. And we need to hand over that control to God. He will build up our children and He will protect them. It's totally up to God no matter what we do to try and hold on. God's got this. He's got our kids. He loves them and He wants us to hand them over to His will. That doesn't mean we don't do anything, but we need to realize that God loves them more than we do, which is hard for me to grasp.

² In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.

This verse took on another parent-meaning. It goes so many ways - parents worrying more than praying - for our children's health/future/character/walk with God, dad being gone all the time to work to support the family, mom trying to be all (seamstress, gardener, maid, laundress, cook, baker, shopper, chauffeur, crafty, frugal, Proverbs 31 wife and mother, secretary, entertainment director, friend, full-time job outside the home, hostess, blogger, book-reader, spiritual adviser, accountant, referee, etc) and becoming ineffective in her parenting. That last one is more me than anything else. I spend too much time trying to measure up to my own unrealistic expectations when my ultimate desire is to have my children know Jesus Christ, love and serve Him. But God grants sleep to those He loves. I don't need to be all of those things all the time. I need to be a lover of Jesus, a wife and a mother.

So, maybe this verse is about building a city. Or maybe it's about building a family and a home. This Psalm has been a great encouragement to me and it needs to go somewhere where I'll see it everyday. To remind me to refocus on who God is and that He will care for me and my children. My study Bible states it like this: "A good harvest is not the achievement of endless toil but the result of God's blessings." And I think that's such a blessing for a mother to know!


P.S. When I read this article on self-doubt as a homeschool mom over at Heart of the Matter Psalm 127 came right to my mind.

Advice from a 3-Year Old

My husband and I were discussing discipline at the dinner table one evening. It's been rough with our 3-year-old constantly pushing the the limits. The biggest problem is that he doesn't want to go to bed. Nap-time is ok, but at bedtime (when I'm completely exhausted from the day) he just will not stay in bed and rest.

Well, we were talking about what to do. And how we need to be good at communicating to him the bedtime routine and just stick to our guns. We need to be consistent. This is what our 3-year-old had to say:

"Mom, if you put your guns down, they won't get sticky."

Just had to make us laugh, even though we will not be putting our guns down and he's the only one to make sure they don't get sticky. ;)

Loads and Loads

I've been doing laundry all day. And this is not your catch-up laundry day...I've been caught up. Everyone's closets and dressers are full of clean clothes. But we're potty training. It's been going really well, until today.

We take our 3-year-old to the potty several times a day and hopefully he'll catch on and go by himself. He's been doing really well and only has an accident when I forget to remind him to use the potty.

Yesterday, we had one accident so those clothes were soaking in our bathroom. This morning he had another accident so I put those clothes along with the ones soaking in the washer with any other kiddie darks. Just as that load was being put into the dryer, he had another accident. So, I got another bucket ready to soak because I didn't want to do another load of laundry today (usually I do just a load a day and that's been working really well). But then he peed through his third set of clothes. So, I took the clothes out of the bucket added the new "dirties" and added all of the adult darks.

So, I'm folding the first load of darks and our 16-month-old wakes up. I go into his room to rescue him and the scent was awful!! Truly the worst smelling dirty in a VERY long time. It was all over his pants, his socks and his bedding - including his beloved blankie. So another load of laundry...all before 9am.

PLEASE, if you have any potty-training tips, I'd love to hear them. I am getting quite desperate at this time. He just doesn't seem to care, but I sure do and I'm really tired at the amount of laundry this morning. At least they were small loads.