What Am I Doing?

I ask myself that question a lot during the week. I read lots of parenting books on discipline, homeschooling, healthy sleep habits, how to raise a grateful child, how not to raise a Christian wimp, blah, blah, blah.

But most of the time I'm just making stuff up. I don't know what I'm doing. I think most parents would say the same thing. We haven't done this before. We don't know what "normal" is. There's no training class for being a parent. And just when you think you have it "all figured out" with your first child, the second one comes along with a whole new personality, gifts, weak spots, stubbornness, attitude, physical and emotional needs, and the list goes on and on. And so again, we find ourselves making things up and adjusting our "head knowledge" to another human being's specific needs.

And sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it. I'd rather busy myself with other "tasks" (email, a book from the library, hiding in the closet) than focus on the toddler wildly blowing bubbles in his milk and thus it overflows onto the table and eventually the floor. I don't want to deal with the little blessing who has decided it was better to eat the paint than use it to paint a portrait of his wonderful mother. I want to not see the bloody wound in the back of my little boy's throat because he fell with a New Year's horn in his mouth. I don't want to listen to the preschooler who has been in bed for an hour-and-a-half chanting that he wants a drink, he wants a drink, he wants a drink, he wants a drink, he wants a drink (honestly I do not understand how he can be so persistent). I want to ignore the urine puddle around the base of the toilet that I removed only 30 minutes prior. I want to ignore that my little boy just screamed, "NO!" in my face when I told him it was time to pick up his Legos and get ready for dinner. I want to ignore those moments. I want to run away and hide in the van and watch a movie on the portable DVD player like they do in commercials. I don't want to be "Mom" because some days I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm so thankful that God's Instructional Book focuses a little less on the tasks of parenting and more on the heart. In Deuteronomy we are reminded twice (6:6-9 and 11:18-19) to remember God's commandments and impress them on our children. We are reminded of how important it is to make that a daily thing not just on Sundays or Wednesday nights. We are also told many times in Proverbs (13:24, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13-15, 29:15, 29:17) how important it is to discipline your child and that if we don't it leads to death, not necessarily physical death but a spiritual death. And that having a disciplined child will "bring delight to your soul." Oh, how I pray that will be a consistent joy someday. We are also reminded in the New Testament (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21) how important it is to encourage our children and to not "exasperate" them, or they will become discouraged.

A great place to find specific verses on parenting and the wonderful issues situations that it creates is Premeditated Parenting. I haven't read the book but the reference section is great! There are many encouraging verses on discipline, verses for your children to think about, specific verses for Dad or Mom, and more.

Sure, some days we may have no idea what we're doing, but the Word of God is never changing and can be the greatest reference for you. It doesn't give you the best way to potty-train, how to get your child to sleep through the night, or how to get the paint out of your child's teeth, but it does offer great encouragement and training that we need to reference when we don't know what we're doing. And prayer. Hopefully you have people praying for you as you raise your children, cause we need all the help we can get.

Do you have any special verses that you cling to when you want to go hide in the van and watch a movie? Do you have a hard time remembering to focus yourself and your children on the Word in daily situations as you raise your littles?

Welcome 2011!!

I am here to tell you that I am very grateful for a new year. A year filled with new hopes and dreams. A year of anticipation. A year of no regret. A year of living every day to the fullest. A year of slowing down and enjoying the little things - even if it's a toddler or preschooler screaming their blessed head off. A year of taking time and loving more. A year of telling people thank you more. A year of encouragement. A new year.

Today I started my gratitude journal. Every day something new to be thankful for. I decided that it was time to put the pessimism (that is naturally my first instinct) to the back-burner and begin each day with a blessing that I have received and focus on that instead of on the what-ifs, the if-onlys and be happy for today and for what I do have not focusing on what I don't.

So today, I thank God for my husband. Yesterday we celebrated 8 years of marriage. I can tell you that some years have been hard and we have had a marriage filled with trials. But for the most part, our years together have been blessed. We still love each other and more and more each day. I love to laugh with him. I love that he's getting little smile wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. I love his love and passion for the Lord and for the students and parents that we serve through his job as a middle school youth pastor. I love that I get to be his helpmeet through our home, our children and our ministry. It's a true blessing to be married to such a wonderful man. And he's cute ta' boot. ;)

Here's to a year filled with gratitude!!

Getting My Bake On

Here's what I've been cooking baking up today:

No-bake Chocolate Cookies
Almond Puffs
Spritz Cookies
Almond Bark Pretzels
Cutout Cookies

Yummies to share with our friends tomorrow.

Almond Puffs

This is a yummy Dutch recipe that my mom made when we were growing up. If only it wasn't almond extract and had actual almond paste. Yumm-O!

Almond Puffs

pastries
1/2 cup butter
1 cup water
1 cup flour
3 eggs
1 1/2 tsp almond extract

frosting
1 cup powdered sugar
1 tbsp milk
1 tbsp butter
3/4 to 1 tbsp almond extract

Boil butter and water. Remove from heat and add flour. Beat until smooth. Add eggs, one at a time. Beat after each egg. Add almond extract. Drop by teaspoonful (no larger or they won't get done in the center) on a cookie sheet or greased mini muffin tins. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. Cool completely, then frost.

These freeze well and thaw quickly. Enjoy!!

Where in the Blog are You?

I'm still here. I'm having a hard time writing lately. I think it's because after Elihu's death and because the whole process of grieving and making it out on the other side with a better perspective has been exhausting and a lot of hard work. It's hard to look at the day-to-day things and feel that they are significant after the loss of a child. But it's the day-to-day things that make life worth living.

I can say that my heart is heavy this Christmas. I'm trying to be positive and not dwell on the should'ves or could'ves but rest my heart in Jesus' birth and the joy my family brings me. I don't want to carry my heavy heart around ignoring the joy that my boys bring me. I want to be joyful in the little everyday things they do - whether they are positive or not-so positive. ;)

So instead of trying to think of stuff to write at the end of this year, I'm focusing on 2011 - a fresh new start. I want to begin 2011 with a gratitude journal. I bought a little pocket-type calendar and this year I will be writing in it everyday something that I am thankful for or something encouraging and positive. I thought a calendar would be better than a regular notebook because it might keep me on task better. There's a little spot for each day and I plan on filling it with all the good things going on in my life and in the lives around me. I would love to also keep track of my Bible reading. I read something almost everyday but I don't often journal about it or write about it so I thought if I'm not going to journal it at least I should record what I've been reading and put some kind of description down so I will remember if it was something that touched my heart.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. We sure will. But my heart is really looking forward to the freshness of 2011 and the hope that it brings. Love to you all!! Merry Christmas!!

Thanking Him for Elihu

This week will be hard.

I should be packing up the many things it takes to bring a baby to visit family for the first time. I should be finding that carseat cover that kept my other two boys warm during the winter months. I should be folding clothes and getting a little suitcase ready for a 4-hour drive to our home town. I should be counting diapers, wipes, burp cloths, etc. But I'm not. And it's hard.

It will be hard celebrating Thanksgiving with Elihu being in heaven. I'm thankful for my salvation. I'm thankful for my growth through the last 6 months. I'm thankful for God's gift of His Son. I'm thankful for God's will being revealed in my life. I'm thankful for my two living boys. I'm thankful for my loving husband. I'm thankful for our warm home. I'm thankful for our van that doesn't have payments. I'm thankful for Elihu. But he's not here and that's what's hard. It will be hard to be around all the babies this Thanksgiving without my baby.

It will not only be uncomfortable and emotional for me, but I'm sure it will be uncomfortable and maybe even emotional for others too. I will see my three nieces together for the first time without their little baby boy cousin. I will see my niece who had a due date close to Elihu's for the first time. I will be amid all the joy that Thanksgiving and family coming together brings. But my heart will be heavy in that joy. There's a piece missing. And my greatest fear as that others won't notice. That they won't think about Elihu even once. That he's gone and it's over. That's it.

But it's not over for me. He's a part of our family and I just want people to remember him. And even say his name and tell me that they've thought of him or how this is a hard time for Jonathan and I. I pray for people to be sensitive to my emotions. I'm an emotional and sensitive person anyway, and I have a feeling that I won't be able to control those feelings all the time.

I want to be thankful. I want to be joyful. I want to rejoice with those who are rejoicing. I want to enjoy time with family and friends. But I want to be able to express my grief over Elihu's absence. I think that Nichelle's post Tick...tick...tick...Time to Be "Over It" expresses some of my thoughts. I just pray that people give me grace to process our first Thanksgiving without Elihu without feeling like I need to be "over it."

What Day is It?

That's a question I find myself asking a lot since we returned home from Florida. We were there for several days with the youth pastors and their wives from the nation's Evangelical Free Church - Rebound. And it was a much needed trip. I had time to process through some stuff about Elihu, my husband was refreshed from ministry, he also learned a lot during the first part of the trip (Momentum), we reconnected through the speaker at Rebound, I enjoyed some wonderful girl time, we had our 2nd annual TimTam Party, and we enjoyed the warm Florida sun, beaches and the swimming pool. It was wonderful.

And now we're back to reality. ;) And I keep forgetting what day it is. I think i will finally be back to "normal" after Sunday and I start a new week.

And while we're asking questions..."What time is it?" I don't know why this hour time change has made such a huge difference but it has. It's dark earlier which makes me tired earlier and my boys crabby earlier. We really struggled at home with them after they were at Grandma's house but I think we figured out it's the time change more than anything. Last night and tonight we fed them at 4:30p (which to their little bodies is more like 5:30p) and they went to bed by 5:45p and were asleep by 6:30p. Crazy!! We hardly know what to do with ourselves. Tonight we started a movie at 7p and were done with it before 9p. Now, I'm getting ready for bed. ;) That hour makes a big difference.

Heaven Party - with pictures

On October 8th, we had a wonderful time celebrating Elihu's Homecoming. We were really blessed by nice weather, wonderful friends, and a worshipful spirit. We are thankful for our little Elihu Siloam and feel so blessed by God to know that he is in heaven.

More Than a Name: Elihu Siloam
Planning
Planning: Music
Planning: Cake
Planning: Balloons


Thank you so much for your prayers during that hard week and for your prayers on a very difficult day. There were tears of sadness and of joy. We spent a wonderful morning taking family pictures and our photographer stayed to take pictures of our service. Here are some moments from the day.