Our Twin Story: Part 1 - We're What?!

I really don't even know how to start this post. :) The twins' first birthday is coming up and what a better way to celebrate than to tell you our story...their story. But I have to start at the beginning of the journey.

In April 2010 we lost a precious baby boy, Elihu, at 15 weeks. The grief hit me like I'd never have expected and sent me into battle with God. I knew He had a plan but I wasn't ready to trust that it was a good plan. I didn't want to let go of my little boy. But God faithfully continued to pursue me and He so lovingly gave me Elihu's name. We had a heaven party to celebrate his little life in October 2010 and shortly after that we found out we were expecting again. Instead of falling head over heels for this baby I guarded my heart and I still regret that. I didn't allow myself to fall in love just in case it didn't work out...and it didn't. We lost that baby, Elliot, at 10 weeks. Instead of devastation and anger towards God I felt guilty for not allowing myself to be vulnerable to love. And I still hurt, just in a different way. I trusted that God had a good plan for my life, for my family and for my babies, but I felt lost.

I spent most of 2011 working on healing my body after medical procedures, sudden hormonal changes, thyroid issues. And when we got the "ok" to start trying again in November, I didn't want to. I was scared because I knew that if we lost a third baby I wouldn't be able to handle another pregnancy after that. But we went ahead and started "trying."

I noticed that my period was about a week late. I called Jonathan to pick up a pregnancy test on his way home from work. I peed on the little stick and waited for the full three minutes before looking...it was negative. And I was disappointed. I guess I was more ready than I had thought. But instead of being angry I cried out to God. And I mean, I cried. I finally asked Him that if it was not in His plan for us to have more children, to please oh please take this desire away from me. I was ready to give in fully to His will. I woke the next morning with swollen eyes from bawling into the night and Jonathan looked at me like, "What happened to you? Were you crying last night?" Yep, he slept through the whole thing. :)

About a week later, I still hadn't had my period so I thought I might as well pee on that second stick that came in our "two-pack" of pregnancy tests. I left the stick in the bathroom and proceeded to go about my day. About a half-hour later I went into the bathroom with fresh towels and saw that stick still sitting there. And it was positive. WHAT?!

I called Jonathan and told him to pick up another "two-pack" and come home...now. :) And they were both positive too. I made the official call to our OB and spoke to the nurse. The rule at our clinic is that you don't get to see the doctor until you're 12 weeks along, but since we had complications our last two pregnancies they let me in at 8 weeks with an ultrasound to make sure "something was there." What some awful words to hear. But we remained hopeful.

In fact, that night, a week after my last bawl-fest, I cried out to God again. I boldly approached His throne of grace and pleaded with Him to give us twins. I told Him that our desire was to have four kids and I didn't think that I would be able to handle another pregnancy if this one went well, let alone if this one ended the way our last two did. I pleaded for Him to let me keep this baby and to please make me pregnant with twins (they do not run in our family). I woke the next morning with swollen eyes and Jonathan looked at me and knew that I had been crying the night before while he was asleep. :) I told him that I asked God for twins. He looked at me like I was crazy. He told me what most people would've said if I told them about my prayers, that I should just be thankful for a healthy baby, that I was pretty gutsy to ask God for twins when I should just be happy to have a healthy pregnancy. I told my dear sweet husband that God already knew what was on my heart and that I wasn't afraid to come and ask Him for the "impossible."

On December 28th, 2011 we walked into that OB clinic with a full bladder anxious hearts. The last two times I was in this clinic, they did not end well. The anxiety was almost choking me. I had to remind myself to keep calm and breathe. I couldn't look at the magazines of pregnant celebrities. I had a hard time being in the same room with all those pregnant women. I was so glad that Jonathan was with me. After waiting for about 45 minutes, my bladder that was full when I arrived was about to burst. My husband and I laughed, but not too hard, about me needing to empty my bladder just a little bit. The only problem was that I didn't know if I could stop once I started. :) I know this is weird to share, but there's a reason for it later. So I did. And it did not feel good. I emptied about half of my bladder and went back to waiting for my name to be called.

Finally, I was called back for our ultrasound. I may have looked calm but I was a nervous wreck. The tech left so I could change into a gown and I was almost to the point of an anxiety attack. Jonathan held my hand and prayed for me and our baby. I was so scared to see another lifeless image on the screen. To see a baby, with no heartbeat is horrifying. Praying helped to remind me who God is and that no matter what I knew God was in control and that He loved me. The tech came in and put that cold jelly on my belly. We stared intently at the screen. Eight weeks is pretty early to have an ultrasound so it was hard to see what was going on. The tech ultrasounded my belly for a bit and then said, "I'm going to need a closer look. Don't worry. It looks fine, I just need a better look." I thought she was lying to us and I was panicked. I was also mad that we were probably going to be charged for two ultrasounds because I needed a potty break earlier while waiting. I was allowed to empty my bladder and when I returned the tech started the second ultrasound. Jonathan and I returned to staring at the screen. And that's when I saw it. I looked at the tech and she smiled at me. I said, "Is that..." And she said, "Twins. You're having identical twins!"

A Long Hiatus

Welcome back to you and to me! It's been a LONG time since I've written and there are very many reasons for that. I've been contemplating the best way to get back into it since I've been "missing in action" for so long. There have been many times where I've wanted to write about something but thought I first needed to explain why I haven't been writing.

Well, like I said there are numerous reasons but they all correlate to these two:

October 2012

That's right! :) Those are my babies. Twin boys that I carried and had cut out of me delivered on May 15, 2012. And they've caused quite a stir from the time we found out we were expecting to today when they're both asleep on the couch after their tummies were filled with milk.

After losing Elihu at 15 weeks and another baby at 10 weeks in 2010, we wondered if we would be able to have more children. We wondered if our two boys (now 6yrs and 4yrs) would complete our quiver. My husband and I spent a lot of time in prayer and discussion trying to decide if it was worth the possibility of having our hearts broken again if we lost another baby.

That's the main reason that I didn't blog about my pregnancy. Fear. It is a lot easier, albeit painful, to write about my grief after losing our two babies than to write about my fears. My "Type A" personality likes that there are stages of grief. I understand the process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It even makes sense to me how you can bounce around between those stages in a day...or even in an hour. There's a documented process to grief, a "science". But fear/anxiety/worry is something that I've struggled with my whole life in one way or another. And I've never seemed to "master" it.

God calls us to "cast our worries on Him" which is something that is usually easier said than done. But 1 Peter continues "because He cares for you." And that's what I needed to focus on throughout my pregnancy. That God cares for me. During the summer of 2010, I learned to rely on God's sovereignty. I had to know that He was in control. That He had a plan for me. For Elihu. I had to cling to that promise. I couldn't grasp on to His goodness or His love or His mercy. But I could rely on His plan. I had to because there was nothing else.

And while facing my fears over this last year, I've learned that I still need to cling on to His sovereignty, but that I can enjoy His blessings, His goodness, His mercy. I can bask in His love and that through His plan, I can have joy. And joy does not equal happiness. Joy takes work. It takes choosing daily to live joyfully instead of in a state of worry or anxiety. And I am still working.

Over the next few weeks, I want to share with you my story of my newest blessings: Caleb Henry and Ezekiel Thomas. From the time we found out we were expecting, to today as I struggle to survive in this house of boys. :) Thanks for your patience during my absence and I hope you keep reading.
 

Christmas in October?

I'm busy baking Triple Chocolate Sour Cream Brownies and listening to the Christmas Blues on Pandora (you heard me right, Christmas music). It's so relaxing. A few days ago our basement had a slight flood (more on that another time) and we had dishes galore after not being able to use water for a day. And I listened to Christmas music then too. It helped me get the job done with a smile on my face.

Today I was thinking why I am so in the mood for Christmas this early in the year. I wondered if it's the amazingly warm temperatures we've enjoyed throughout October (74 degrees this week). I wondered if it's because we've been moving our Christmas stuff around in the basement trying to organize all our crap precious things.

It was during my prayer time that I realized that I'm just excited about Christmas this year. I'm excited to be in our new home. I'm excited to take out our Christmas decor and deck the halls. I'm excited to shop for my family. I'm excited to work on some extra special crafts to make the holidays more jolly. I'm ready to get out the Advent calendar and plan some special things for our family to do together to remind us of the gift of Jesus. I'm ready and I'm excited.

I think this happiness is oozing from me because last year I just wanted to make it through the holidays. Last year was filled with loss, depression, fights with God, learning hard lessons, rededicating my life to Christ and God's will, being humbled and filled with God's grace and righteousness. And I was hurting a lot last Christmas. I put on my happy face for my boys so that they would still remember Christmas as a happy time. I reluctantly decorated the house but there wasn't any real joy in the process. We skipped our Advent adventures all together last year. I barely got gifts wrapped and under the tree by Christmas. It was just a sad time of year for us.

I'm sure that this Christmas will have it's share of tears - happy and mournful - but there's a bounce to my step that wasn't there last year. I pray that God continues to show me grace as we get closer to Thanksgiving and that it can truly be a time of thanksgiving. And as we approach Christmas, that our Advent days will be filled with the hope of Jesus Christ.

So, if you hear me humming Christmas tunes while shopping for groceries, don't roll your eyes. I'm just ready to celebrate!

"Vintage" Baby Quilt

My dear friend Wendi and I share a love for vintage things. She has more of a shabby-sheik flavor to her vintage and mine is more farm-house. For instance, she owns a vintage chandelier and uses vintagey pink in her decorating. :) My colors or more red and aqua and I have a barn light hanging in my kitchen. We enjoy junking together at barns out in the middle of no-where Iowa and stopping at little shops that repurpose old things into new treasures.

She designed her baby's nursery around a vintage pink and aqua. And it's gorgeous. Love the touches she added around the room. Since this was her third baby and her second girl, I thought it would be nice to make her something special so I suggested a quilt and she loved the idea. After a great day of driving through the countryside looking at some great refunked junkery we stopped at our local fabric store (which is amazing, by the way) and she picked out some perfect fabric for her baby's room. I finally got to work when I heard she went into labor. :D

It didn't take me long to sew this quilt as I had a great plan (drawn out for me by one of the employees at said fabric store) and got to work. I took one afternoon to cut all the squares and sewed them together. The next morning (while waiting in the car for my husband to give plasma (that's what pays for his seminary classes)) I hand-quilted the whole works together. And then that evening finished the edges with the machine.

 

Honestly, I had a hard time giving this quilt away. It was the first quilt I made that looked good. I've made some cute quilts but this one was good. The squares were even, the quilting was sweet, the edges were perfectly sewn and there wasn't a lumpy back which always seems to happen to me.

And then there's the fact that any time I make something for a baby gift, I think of my babies. My babies who are now little boys and my babies in heaven. I feel like I put a little of myself and my boys into these projects. It may seem weird, I know, but those blankets and burp cloths are made with a lot of love and it really is hard to give them away, but it's also very therapeutic for me. Giving someone a gift helps me cope with my loss. Creating something with love calms my spirit and I am thankful to God for that gift.


For your viewing enjoyment, here are a few more pictures of the nursery. :)

 

Cleaning the Basement

We are finally tackling the basement and all the stuff it stores. There's some junk that we need to sift through and decide if we want to hold on to things until next spring and have a garage sale or just dump it off give it to Good Will or Salvation Army. There's a pile of kitchen gadgets that need a home until I need to use them. And lots of filing to do.

There's also this huge daunting pile of maternity, post-maternity, 0-3T clothes sitting in a corner. There's a box of baby shoes. A box of burp coths, bottles, liners, breast pads and nipple cream sits among the pile. Then there are the mixed boxes of outgrown clothes that didn't fit into the original sized box: a 2-T winter coat, some 3T jeans, a 24 month long-sleeved white onsie, a bunch of baby-sized hats and mittens... The list goes on and on. And this stuff takes up so. much. space.

I look at it and wonder if it's worth keeping. Seriously, it's the bulk of our storage items and it's really hard to look at it. We're wondering if the attic would be a better storage option because we don't know when or if we'll ever use this stuff again. And that just breaks my heart. Today I put away a pair of booties that I kept out for Elihu last year. I found it in a box of mis-matched items that were thrown together for the move. We're wondering how long we should hold on to this stuff until it's time to get rid of it. To have the best garage sale ever with boy clothes from 0-3T, maternity clothes from small to extra-large, and lots of baby supplies. If we ever do have that sale (and if it's because we weren't able to have more children) I don't think I'll be able to be at that sale. It will just be too hard to watch my precious baby's things sold for a quarter. I will hold on to a few meaningful items and maybe even regift some unopened items (you've been warned) but most of it will be sold. And I don't know if I'll be able to witness that.

I know this is a lot of hypotheticals and worries but I just needed to get some of them out of my head. My heart is burdened by all that stuff in the basement as I wonder about God's plan for our family. I pray that God grants me peace no matter what happens and that I can willingly open my hands and let my stuff go as God calls me. For now, the items will sit lovingly piled in the basement along with our box of wedding memorabilia, kitchen gadgets, crystal bowls, fondue pots, and decorative items.

Words You Never Want to Hear

Recently one of our favorite babysitters (a mom some former students) was unable to babysit for us because of a death in the family. I ran into her a few days later and asked how everyone was doing. She said it was really hard as her brother-in-law died suddenly at the age of 59 years-old. This same family has experienced a lot of losses within the last year and I'm sure this was especially hard because he was so young.

She told me that her husband had to go tell his mother that her son was dead. She said that those are the words a mother never wants to hear. We hugged and she went on her way and I went on mine. But her words really got to me: "Those are the words a mother never wants to hear - your child is dead."

I pondered that sentence for a long time and have been thinking about it ever since.

I have to admit that at first I was angry. Did she know who she was talking to? Did she remember that I have heard those words twice and it is gut-wrenching? Did she realize how close she got to my wound?

And then I thought about it some more. It's a horrible feeling to hear that your child is dead. And it doesn't matter if they're 80, 59, 30, 10, or if its an unborn baby - it's still a loss and it's still hard to hear those words no matter how old you or your child is.

I'm reminded some of the grieving mothers in the Bible. Women who lost their children - Eve, Bathsheeba, Elizabeth, Mary. How deep their losses must have been. How much pain these women endured at the loss of their precious children.

Isaiah 49:14-16 reminds me that God's love for us is even stronger than a mother's love for her children (which at times can seem impossible). God will not forget us. He has "tattooed" our names on the palms of his hands. God is faithful even when we don't feel it or see it or hear it. God won't forget us in our pain. He will see that our walls are broken down before him. And I pray that He can use that grief to draw us closer to him, that one day we will wear our God-story as the ornament for a bride. I pray that God will use this pain to bring beauty out of our ashes, to adorn us for our Bridegroom. I pray that our God-story continues to flow out of our lives even amidst grief and pain. Thank you God for your promises that you will bring beauty and strength to our lives through your precious son, Jesus Christ. 

¹⁴ But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
And the Lord has forgotten me.”
¹⁵ “Can a woman forget her nursing child
And have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.
¹⁶ “Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;
Your walls are continually before Me. 

 ~ Isaiah 49:14-16 ~

Toes Like Pearls

Tonight I'm missing little toes.

My baby is three years-old. And his feet are not little anymore. He has boy feet, not baby feet, not even toddler feet. He has little boy feet. I rocked him tonight and was really sad that his feet are getting big. :) That may sound ridiculous because he still has pretty little feet in the scheme of things. But his little toes are gone. And I'm sad about that. I wonder if I'll ever again kiss tiny toes that are my baby's. My heart aches for those toes, those feet. It's a small thing but still it's a reminder of what we lost a little over a year ago.

Anyway, that's what's been on my mind tonight after rocking my little man to sleep. So, for those of you that have little toes to kiss, do that. Kiss them. Enjoy them. And be thankful for all those little things - especially those 10 little things.

Wide Awake

I was awakened at 3:45a this morning cause some little boy needed his covers "straightened out." :) It felt good to tuck him in and get him all cozy.

But now, two hours later, I'm still awake. Fretting. Fretting over the next two weeks. Fretting about speaking at the college group tonight and how I still feel unprepared. Fretting about grocery shopping tomorrow and I don't have my list ready. Fretting about planning/attending baby showers (next weekend will be the first since losing our two precious children). Fretting.

As if worrying isn't bad enough, I start to get mad. I'm mad about things that have happened in the past. I'm mad about the expectations that have been placed on me by myself and others. I'm mad that I'm still mad...

I know that my brain isn't all that "logical" at 5:40am especially since my husband has been out of town for four days (he gets home later today - woohoo!). I know that my worrying and anxiousness are sin and it's causing me to become angry and hurt.

But God is faithful. I open my email and there's a new post from Doorposts. It's about discouragement. And it hits me in the gut.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, 

and why are you in turmoil within me?” 

 (Psalm 42:11a, ESV)

Ahhh. The power of the Word of God. I ask myself again, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?" I'm still hurting and it's causing anxiety and anger. Those two sins seem to haunt me, always lurking around the corner. Always catching me off-guard when I least expect it. Always ready to pounce and devour me.

And even when I'm not seeking God in the Word, He's still pursuing me and knows what I need to defend myself when I'm downcast. The article from Doorposts listed a few reasons we become discouraged:

I am likely to become discouraged when:

• I am suffering trials (loss, death, troubled relationships, health problems, financial setbacks). Check
• I expect people to be and do what only God can be and do. Check
• I think circumstances ought to change, but they don’t. Check
• I want to control circumstances instead of trusting God. Check
• I feel like nothing I do is making any difference.
• I am struggling with illness, fatigue, or hormones. Check
• I compare myself to others. Check
• I expect perfection from myself and others. Check
• I try to play the role of Holy Spirit in someone’s life.
• I try to work in my own strength instead of availing myself of God’s infinite strength. Check
• I listen to myself instead of speaking the truth of God’s Word to myself. Check
• I don’t take the time or invest the energy needed to organize my time and environment.
• I don’t set aside time for communing with God (thinking, praying, studying, reading). Check
• I am over-committed. Check
• I feel like I’m barely keeping up with all that I am supposed to do.
• I am doing unnecessary things that I am not called to do.
• I isolate myself.
• I am resentful or bitter or start to feel sorry for myself. Check
• I am worried or afraid. Check
• I have not repented of sin.
• I am facing the consequences of my sin and negligence.

Those are some pretty heavy things. And you may be dealing with different ones that I am. But they are all hard things to conquer and we are only able to do that through the power of God, His Word, His Spirit and the love of His people.

I sit quietly and listen to the birds start to sing.



It's still dark. The sun isn't up. Yet, they are singing in anticipation of the arrival of the warm, bright sun. Maybe I need to follow the example of God's creation this morning and begin praising Him in the darkness of discouragement anticipating the arrival of a new day. I need the truth of God's Word this morning.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul,
   and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
   my salvation and my God."

(Psalm 42:11, ESV)

Before the Morning
Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture
(Chorus)


Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
(Chorus)

More Music That Makes Me Cry

You can tell I've been in a "worshipful-mood" lately as there have been so many songs that have touched my heart. This one was recommended by Kristi K. and it really spoke to me. Sometimes the lyrics of a song can touch deep down in your soul, so much that it can be healing.

The chorus is really powerful as a grieving mom and I think the words that made me cry the hardest were,

We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home.

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

 And that's what I've been thinking about over the past few days. I recently told someone that I've always looked forward to heaven, but I wasn't really "ready". But after losing our two precious babies I feel ready for heaven. I'm past that stage in life where I don't want to die because there are things on this earth that I want to experience first. Sure, I want to see my boys grow up, accept Christ as their Savior, see them become young men in the Lord, get married, have children of their own, watch them minister in whatever occupation they are in. I want to continue in ministry with my husband in our neighborhood, in our church, in our family, in our youth ministry. I want to experience all those things...but not as much as I want heaven.

I also think of others who are experiencing pain: friends from Mommies with Hope, Christians who are being persecuted, missionaries spreading the Gospel to unreached people-groups, those who are grieving, those who are dealing with illness (Joanne), those who are suffering in their sin, and many more. A lot of times I don't see the pain as mercy in disguise. I'm more apt to cry out in anger, disappointment, fear and I question the promises that God gives us in His Word. I need music like this to remind me that the aching points us toward heaven; it spurs us on to the day of Christ's return. That we need to rejoice that this suffering is only for a "little while" while we wait for our eternal and perfect Home.

Laura Story - "Blessings" Lyrics

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

 Are there any songs you've heard lately that have been healing?

Reminder to Rejoice

It's been a rough few weeks. And I've been very emotional. I keep blaming my thyroid but really it's more of a heart issue. I'm still sad. I'm having a hard time thinking of the future without our little boys. I'm having a hard time wondering if I will ever feel a life move inside of me again. I'm having a hard time wondering if I'll give birth to a healthy child ever again. It's painful. And we're in it thick. We have 20+ friends that are pregnant or have just had their babies. I'm totally not exaggerating - we've started a list with names. Most of these people are close friends, and the others are still friends, not acquaintances. So it's rough.

Facebook is especially difficult for me. Family and friends with their ever-expanding bellies, hospital pictures of moms and babes, updated family pictures with moms and dads and kids and newborns. It's rough. I keep reminding myself of Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." And I need to remember to do that. Even if it's just a "congratulations!" on their facebook page.

And sometimes it's more than that. It's planning baby showers for friends and family. Buying party favors, baking cake, making snacks, sewing gifts, searching registries, gathering guest lists and sending invites. It's writing a thoughtful heartfelt card and meaning the words that you say. It's bringing families meals when they are recovering from having their babies. To truly rejoice with women, it's work for me.

Just to be clear: 

1. I don't write this to get people's pity or to have them feel bad for me. 
2. And I don't want to hurt people who are excited about their little ones. You have every right to be excited and you don't need my permission. 

I write this because it's my reality. That I need to remind myself to rejoice with expectant moms, whether it's their first or tenth baby. I need to remember to rejoice for the little lives who are born healthy. I need that reminder that as I wait for what God has in store for me, I am called to serve and worship. I am called to rejoice.

It's been a blessing to be on the worship team again. I'm on the team for April 10th and we are singing John Waller's song While I'm Waiting. It was made popular by the movie Fireproof. But I'm focusing on the words as a mom whose lost two precious children, as a mom who is unsure if God will ever bless her family with another baby, as a woman healing from a broken heart. There are some words from this song that hit me hard:

"And I am hopeful, waiting on you Lord." Oh, it's hard to say that aloud. It's hard to cry that out to God. I want to be hopeful but it's so hard to let that guard down and trust Him. I pray that I will be a hopeful person.

"I will move ahead bold and confident." Again, it's heart-wrenching to sing those words. I ask myself, am I confident? Am I acting out of bold faith?

"Though it's painful...though it's not easy, but faithfully and patiently, I will wait." And I pray that I can remain faithful and patient through the pain; that I will someday be an oak of righteousness (Isaiah 61:3); that through perseverance I will be changed and that God will see me as mature, lacking nothing (James 1:2-4).

And I need to remember that I am called to serve and worship as I rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15).

Music as Worship

Music is one of the main ways that help me feel connected to God. Through lyrics and melody I can feel God's presence in my life, in my heart. I've been having a really emotional week and a friend sent me the lyrics to Bebo Norman's I Will Lift My Eyes and the words hit me hard. This is a song that I've heard before and even sang as a duet on worship team, but I've never really thought about the words. After a season of heartache and pain the words of this song is a cry from my heart just as David cried out in the Psalms using music and lyrics. I'm thankful that there are those whose gift it is to create music and write lyrics that call me closer to God.





I Will Lift My Eyes
Bebo Norman

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
A melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild

I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You


I pray that God will give you a new view of worship music, maybe even songs that are familiar to you. I pray that He will open your heart to the music you sing in your home, your church, and even your car. I'm thankful that God uses music to speak to me and I pray that it continues to prompt me into the Word and into God's presence.

Posting on the Road - Hodge-Podge

I know I promised lots of posts about our trip but so much has happened and there's so much to think about and process. :) We've had some great ministry opportunities, met great people both from Mississippi and volunteers from the Midwest, heard some wonderful speakers and preachers, and traveled some pretty crazy roads through Mississippi and Tennessee.

Also, there have been many sad baby moments. I don't usually have very much time to sit and think about things so it's been an emotional journey for me. Plus, it seems like it's baby city again. For a while I was doing really well because it seemed like there was a pause in pregnancies and births of people I know, but now we're on round 2 and it's been hard. It's especially hard for people that I am close with or people having their third child. Makes me sad not knowing if God will ever gives us a fifth third child. And the emotions have been surprising me. At weird times I seem to get teary and the strangest things will make me feel like something is missing.

It's been good for me to process our second loss, but difficult at the same time for two reasons: 1) I'm with my dad. I don't want to be an emotional sad sack or look like I'm going crazy so I've been restraining myself, and 2) Because it's just hard and painful to work through the emotions, especially in a quiet way.

I'm also missing my boys like crazy. It's nice to be gone long enough to miss them, but now that I'm missing them I just want to be home. :) I love my wild boys. I miss their laughs, their cries, their cuddles, their energy (yes, even their energy), and I just miss being with them and seeing them together. Makes me thankful for my living children and crave the ones in heaven.

Enough from Debbie Downer (wah-wah). I will have two posts going up soon (hopefully) about worship on Sunday and when we heard Dr. John Perkins and Dr. Dolphus Weary speak. Thanks for your patience. :)

Our Anniversary

My husband and I were married on New Year's Eve of 2002. It was a wonderful wedding and we had so much fun at our reception! It was such a blessed day.

We really enjoy having our anniversary on New Year's Eve as there's always something special going on - although we usually choose to spend our time alone together. The only real tradition that we have for our anniversary is taking the year's calendar along to dinner so we can look over each month and talk about highs & lows, who was sick when, what the weather was (I do write down major things: snow storms, flooding, etc), travels, ministry opportunities, etc. We discuss how we've grown, how we've seen our boys grow, where we see ourselves in the next year and even set some personal, marriage, and family goals.

But this year, I had the 2010 calendar put away on the shelf by December 28th. I was more than ready to start a new year. And honestly, I was hoping Jonathan wouldn't remember our calendar tradition. But sure enough, the afternoon of December 31st he asked me where the calendar was so we could take it along to dinner. I told him that I put it away. And I hoped he wouldn't go grab it for our date.

As we were getting in the car after kissing the boys good night and giving instructions to the sitter, he hands me the 2010 calendar. I look at it with dread. We drive the 30 minutes it takes to get to the restaurant and I feel a headache coming on. It's not your average headache, it's a stress headache that starts in between my shoulder blades and comes out my eyes. My neck muscles are tight and my skull hurts.

We are seated quickly, as my wonderful husband had made reservations, and I take a few ibuprofen to get through the evening. The food didn't even taste that good because my head hurt so bad. As we're eating our table-made guacamole, he pulls out the calendar, ready to dive-in to our tradition. And I tell him that I can't. I can't look at that calendar. I can't look over the year and talk about highs and lows, as my high started in January and ended horribly in April when we found out Elihu was dead. The depression that follows for several months and then finally a light. God's revelation to me about Elihu and the plan He had for his little life. I didn't want to think about how hard October 8th was. I didn't want to think about the pregnancy we discovered in early November. I didn't want to look at the month of spotting wondering if we were going to lose our second baby this year and I didn't want to look at the month of December and see our worst fears realized. I didn't want to see the date of our second D&C for the year and the pain and emotional trauma that we experienced right before Christmas. I did not want to look at that calendar. (Right now I can feel my shoulders and neck becoming tight again just as I write about it.)

I finally admitted my sadness, guilt, shame, anger, self-pity, emptiness to my husband and could finally feel my body relax. He was perfectly fine with not looking at the calendar and wished that I had said something sooner. It wasn't a big deal to him and that was such a relief. We made it through the rest of our dinner and decided not to stay for dessert. I was in a funky mood and didn't really want to stay there any longer.

We decided to walk to a coffee shop several blocks away in the freezing cold with the blustery winds biting at our cheeks. But it felt so good to me. The cold air was so refreshing. There were a lot of people out and about and it was weird for me to see how happy and hopeful they were. "What all these people were so happy about?"

We walked into the coffee shop and ordered our drinks and dessert to go. We sipped as we walked to our car and I felt relieved. I didn't have to reminisce the past year with my husband. I didn't have to go over those tough emotions of losing two babies in one year. I didn't have to dwell on that 2010 calendar. I could move on and hope for the things God has planned for us for 2011. I was finally feeling hope and I was ready to release the year 2010 to God, and put it on the shelf.

2010 was a painful year for us. And some day I will take out that calendar and pour over the things that happened and how we are better for them, how we grew both spiritually and emotionally. And how God was still with us through all that pain. I am so thankful for all of God's new beginnings: a new day, a new week, a new month, a new year. God is good to give us that fresh perspective, that fresh start.

I am thanking God for the hope that 2011 offers me, and I know that even if it's another painful year, that God is faithful and will always offer me a new beginning.

Real Life

I've been hurting over our loss again the past two weeks. I've been very emotional and very tired. I've been drained and on the verge of tears for days. I am joyful, but I'm sad. 

A friend recently wrote to me regarding the loss of unborn children:

"They get Real Life right away - euphoria"

To be honest, that was hard to read at first. But it's true. They are born into heaven never to experience the hurts, pains, and disappointments of this world. But I'm selfish. I want my baby. I want to snuggle. I want to kiss those little cheeks. I want to count those tiny toes. I want to hold my baby in my arms. I want to hear that delightful cry in the middle of the night.

But it's not about what I want. It's about what God has planned. And it's hard sometimes. It's hard to put my selfishness aside and think about God's plan. And God's grace. That my little one is in heaven with the Father. No pain, no hurt, no disappointment.

After I read my friend's email I remembered this hymn and thought I'd share it with you. The second verse really spoke to my heart.

Safe in the Arms of Jesus

by: Frances J. Crosby

Safe in the arms of Jesus, 

Safe on His gentle breast;

There by His love o'ershaded,

Sweetly my soul shal rest.

Hark! 'tis the voice of angels

Borne in a song to me,

Over the fields of glory,

Over the jasper sea.

Refrain:

Safe in the arms of Jesus,

Safe on His gentle breast'

There by His love o'ershaded,

Sweetly my soul should rest.

Safe in the arms of Jesus,

Safe from corroding care,

Safe from the world's temptations'

Sin cannot harm me there.

Free from the blight of sorrow,

Free from my doubts and fears:

Only a few more trials,

Only a few more tears!

(refrain)

Jesus, my heart's dear Refuge,

Jesus has died for me;

Firm on the Rock of Ages

Ever my trust shall be.

Here let me wait with patience,

Wait till the night is o'er;

Wait till I see the morning

Break on the golden shore.

(refrain)

Good Reading

And this time it's not a book. It's another blog. A really good blog by Raechel Meyers, Finding My Feet.

My friend, Rachel, sent me a link to Raechel's blog for a really cute t-shirt idea for my boys and I found a lot more. I found someone who has endured multiple miscarriages and the loss of a daughter who passed away hours after her birth. And to be honest, I haven't stopped crying since I started reading. :)

It feels good to weep. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I feel like I've been holding a lot of it in. It feels good to let go of that pain. It feels good to release the tension that has been inside of me for weeks. And it's sad. I am sad. I'm sad to still be hurting. There are so many things that Raechel said in her blog that I have felt or said or thought. It has been so good to me to know that I'm not alone in my loss. Losing unborn children or children shortly after birth is a very lonely kind of sorrow.

Raechel's blog is another point of healing in my story. God is so good to let us use our stories of pain to help others through their times of pain. Praise be to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort that we ourselves have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

So I weep and am thankful for others who have gone through terrible grief over the loss of their children who have come alongside me to comfort me in my grief. They may not even know that they have ministered to me through their blogs, through their books, through their words but they have. They have taken the time to write down their experiences and how God has remained faithful through some really dirty, hard, painful, raw circumstances and have come out the other side still singing. Thank you.

Nostalgic for the "What-Ifs"

My husband was gone with the high school students for the weekend. Every year in January we have our district conference and all the Evangelical Free churches from Iowa (some from neighboring states) meet in Des Moines with their staff and students to worship, pray and learn more about God and His Son. It's a great time and I really miss being a part of that. It's hard to find a free sitter for a weekend. :)

The boys and I decided to meet the group for free time at the mall and enjoy dinner with the staff. It was really nice to see everyone. And then we went to the first part of the session Downtown Des Moines. My oldest got to ride the bus from the mall to the hotel with Dad and his "students." Our younger one was pretty upset until I bought him a gumball at one of those wonderful candy kiosks in the mall. We stayed until the speaker got up and I knew we would just be a distraction so we went to the "green room," put their jammies on, and walked through the skywalk to our car. Our oldest cried almost the whole way home because he wanted to stay with his Dad because "I really love him." Sweet...but annoying at the same time when you hear it screamed for the first 20 minutes of the trip home.

They got to bed late, it was cold, and I rarely skip church so that's what we did on Sunday morning. We are usually at church from 8:45a-12:30p on Sundays so I thought it would be nice to have a weekend of nothing. And it was a beautiful morning. We listened to Christian radio, I read my book, the boys played cars, shared, talked, made up stories together, taught each other how to work the different parts of the race track. It was wonderful. I had to text my husband and let him know what a blessing it was to my heart to have skipped out on church. I told him that my heart was so full of joy watching the two of them together...but then there was a twitch of pain. Something was missing. Someone was missing. Elihu. He would've been 3 months old this past weekend. What would we be doing if he were around? Would things be the same except I'd be rocking a sweet baby boy? And that's when it hit me, I'm nostalgic for the what-ifs. I wondered if that could be possible: to be nostalgic for something that's not real. And it is. It is.

It's weird to have that moment of joy when you're heart is full...and then...and then it hurts. The thing is, I need to not focus on that hurt. I need to focus on the blessings that God has given me. I need to relish in the joy that God gives me. I need to feel that fullness in my heart. But I think that even in our happiest moments, it will feel like something's missing. And that's ok, because there is. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength (Nehemiah 8:10b). That joy, that strength, is what allows me to feel that hurt and still be filled with joy.

Where in the Blog are You?

I'm still here. I'm having a hard time writing lately. I think it's because after Elihu's death and because the whole process of grieving and making it out on the other side with a better perspective has been exhausting and a lot of hard work. It's hard to look at the day-to-day things and feel that they are significant after the loss of a child. But it's the day-to-day things that make life worth living.

I can say that my heart is heavy this Christmas. I'm trying to be positive and not dwell on the should'ves or could'ves but rest my heart in Jesus' birth and the joy my family brings me. I don't want to carry my heavy heart around ignoring the joy that my boys bring me. I want to be joyful in the little everyday things they do - whether they are positive or not-so positive. ;)

So instead of trying to think of stuff to write at the end of this year, I'm focusing on 2011 - a fresh new start. I want to begin 2011 with a gratitude journal. I bought a little pocket-type calendar and this year I will be writing in it everyday something that I am thankful for or something encouraging and positive. I thought a calendar would be better than a regular notebook because it might keep me on task better. There's a little spot for each day and I plan on filling it with all the good things going on in my life and in the lives around me. I would love to also keep track of my Bible reading. I read something almost everyday but I don't often journal about it or write about it so I thought if I'm not going to journal it at least I should record what I've been reading and put some kind of description down so I will remember if it was something that touched my heart.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. We sure will. But my heart is really looking forward to the freshness of 2011 and the hope that it brings. Love to you all!! Merry Christmas!!

Thanking Him for Elihu

This week will be hard.

I should be packing up the many things it takes to bring a baby to visit family for the first time. I should be finding that carseat cover that kept my other two boys warm during the winter months. I should be folding clothes and getting a little suitcase ready for a 4-hour drive to our home town. I should be counting diapers, wipes, burp cloths, etc. But I'm not. And it's hard.

It will be hard celebrating Thanksgiving with Elihu being in heaven. I'm thankful for my salvation. I'm thankful for my growth through the last 6 months. I'm thankful for God's gift of His Son. I'm thankful for God's will being revealed in my life. I'm thankful for my two living boys. I'm thankful for my loving husband. I'm thankful for our warm home. I'm thankful for our van that doesn't have payments. I'm thankful for Elihu. But he's not here and that's what's hard. It will be hard to be around all the babies this Thanksgiving without my baby.

It will not only be uncomfortable and emotional for me, but I'm sure it will be uncomfortable and maybe even emotional for others too. I will see my three nieces together for the first time without their little baby boy cousin. I will see my niece who had a due date close to Elihu's for the first time. I will be amid all the joy that Thanksgiving and family coming together brings. But my heart will be heavy in that joy. There's a piece missing. And my greatest fear as that others won't notice. That they won't think about Elihu even once. That he's gone and it's over. That's it.

But it's not over for me. He's a part of our family and I just want people to remember him. And even say his name and tell me that they've thought of him or how this is a hard time for Jonathan and I. I pray for people to be sensitive to my emotions. I'm an emotional and sensitive person anyway, and I have a feeling that I won't be able to control those feelings all the time.

I want to be thankful. I want to be joyful. I want to rejoice with those who are rejoicing. I want to enjoy time with family and friends. But I want to be able to express my grief over Elihu's absence. I think that Nichelle's post Tick...tick...tick...Time to Be "Over It" expresses some of my thoughts. I just pray that people give me grace to process our first Thanksgiving without Elihu without feeling like I need to be "over it."

Heaven Party - with pictures

On October 8th, we had a wonderful time celebrating Elihu's Homecoming. We were really blessed by nice weather, wonderful friends, and a worshipful spirit. We are thankful for our little Elihu Siloam and feel so blessed by God to know that he is in heaven.

More Than a Name: Elihu Siloam
Planning
Planning: Music
Planning: Cake
Planning: Balloons


Thank you so much for your prayers during that hard week and for your prayers on a very difficult day. There were tears of sadness and of joy. We spent a wonderful morning taking family pictures and our photographer stayed to take pictures of our service. Here are some moments from the day.
  

 

 

 

Planning: Balloons (Part 4)

(You can start reading the series here: Planning (Part 1), Planning: Picking the Music (Part 2), Planning: Cake (Part 3).)

Ok, now that I've been Debbie Downer all week I thought I'd talk about the balloons as my final post on planning the memorial service/heaven party for our son, Elihu Siloam.

I knew I wanted balloons to be released and was inspired by Denise to do just that. And we will make that (along with the cake) a yearly celebration for our son Elihu. But this time I wanted it to be especially meaningful. I wanted to play a song while we let our balloons float into the sky and I had heard the song Fly by Celine Dion when I was in high school and fell in love with it. I just never thought that it would have so much meaning for me.

We got multicolored balloons and everyone (even the littles) held on to the string of that balloon until they were prompted to let them fly as a gift to our son in Heaven. I listened to the words of the song holding on to my balloon and I didn't want to let go. I even heard myself say "I don't want to let go. This is so hard." But I knew I had to let go. And what hurt was the reality of the symbolism of letting that balloon go - letting my son go. Really letting him go. I was brought out of my grief by laughs and shouts of joy as the littles yelled excitedly as the balloons disappeared into the bright blue sky. "There goes your balloon." "Oh look, there's my balloon." "They are flying so high." It was really sweet and innocent. I'm letting my son go and I'm hearing them rejoice. It was a bittersweet moment. Something that I will always carry with me. Letting my son go. Really doing it. Finally releasing him back into God's hands. My Elihu.

Fly
Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light